It is often commented
upon how uneducated American youths are. But are we doing all we can to
motivate our kids? We’ve tried encouragement and bribery, but how about using
their own movies to encourage them to learn? And what better way than to have
slasher horror movies where the punishment for not learning things properly is
a violent and gory death? And that’s why I propose the Department of Education
get into the horror movie business! And what better place to start than with
spelling?
That’s right: spelling.
We’ve seen how kids are rewarded who win national spelling bees, but how about
how those kids who lose are punished? This could be a whole new subgenre of the
splatter film: Spelling Splatter! Yes, this time the bee would sting for those
who lose, and so the first film would have to be called: Killer Bee (spelling bee, that is!).
Yes, it’s Killer Bee: the spelling bee movie where
every contestant who spells something wrong is executed in the goriest manner
possible! And that’s why every word that is chosen is a horrific form of
torture or death (!). And if they misspell this word, it happens to them!
And then, of course,
there would have to be a Hangman
movie, where students try to guess the word in a game of Hangman, and for every
letter they get wrong, they get something chopped off, until finally whatever’s
left of them gets hanged (!!).
And after this stomach-churning
word horror movie, it’s Crucified
Crossword: the movie where anyone who does not solve a crossword puzzle
correctly gets crucified on a giant
version of their crossword puzzle (!!!).
And after this
terrifying tale comes Screaming Scrabble:
the slasher movie where substandard students must play a game of Scrabble for their
very lives, and where losing means their bodies will be scrambled in a twisted
gory mess!
And then, after all the
spelling word games, it’s the ultimate twice-told torture-porn tale: Tongue-Twister of Terror: the
pronunciation piece de resistance, where if a kidnapped contestant pronounces a
word incorrectly, their tongues are twisted off, causing them to bleed to death
in a raging rivulet of red gore!
Yes, it’s the Spelling
Splatter genre: learn to spell, or your life is hell! Learn what words mean, or
you’ll be treated real mean! Learn to pronounce, or horror will pounce! These
movies are guaranteed to scare kids straight: to school! (The Spelling Splatter
genre is the only genre of splatter/torture porn horror movies endorsed by the
Violent Vocabulary Volunteers of America, as well as the Torture Porn Teachers
Association.)
