The Colbert Report had a segment last week about furniture with gun safes in them. This is pretty silly, especially because, as Colbert noted, you’d have to get up out of your bed and up off the couch to access the guns (as well as needing a key to open them: try that while you’re under fire!), and many Americans are unlikely to do that. So after the couch, he jokingly suggested a La-Z-Boy-style chair that launches you with a big knife up out of the chair at your assailant.
But I think he might have suggested other possibilities perhaps, like the La-Z-Blam™: the lounge chair that hands you a fully-loaded assault rifle when you pull the lever, or at least a lever that would open up a drawer full of fully-loaded and ready-to-go firearms. And don’t worry about your kids accidentally accessing this arsenal, because the lever would read your palm print to unlock the drawer! It’s perfect, so long as your hand hasn’t been shot off yet. (Also, the lever could open up a steel panel with a machine gun mounted on it, and you could use the chair like those swiveling truck-mounted 50-caliber anti-aircraft setups we saw militants using in Libya.)
Also, for the couch with the bulletproof cushions, how about a bulletproof couch & cushions that’s like a personalized gun turret: it has machine guns embedded in the cushion, and a little bulletproof glass window in the middle of it, and you hold it up like a shield and squeeze the straps to fire the machine guns. And the machine gun ammo belts simply store in the bottom of the couch and feed up automatically for a lighter assault cushion. (Just don’t hold it the wrong way around! Oh, but with the guns on the outer corners of the cushion, you’d miss yourself anyway! What could possibly go wrong?) That’s the literally revolutionary Couch Cushion Carbine™: ask for it by name wherever assault furniture is sold!
