The Axe Man Cometh is the upcoming slasher horror movie and the only film of its type ever to earn the High School Grammatical Society’s Seal of Approval, which is surprising, because it’s just the usual gory slasher horror movie about a twisted killer who chops teens up with an axe. But maybe it’s the killer’s motivations that warrant the approval. Here’s a capsule review of the story:
The scene is a ghost town in America that used to be a thriving town before all the outsourcing of manufacturing jobs. All that remains is a gas station for errant commuters, run by the former high school English teacher. He chose to stay because it’s the only place where he can avoid hearing the corruption of the English language. But one day, a van full of partying teens loses their way and breaks an axle on their van in a particularly deep pothole, so they have to stay in the town. Well, it just so happens that our gas station English teacher is a nice man generally, but when he hears people intentionally mispronounce words, he turns into a maniac, killing them with the very implement they unknowingly reference. And so it was that the party teens show up at this gas station and say: “Can we axe you something?” Well, that’s all our former English teacher needs to hear, and he sees red, grabbing an axe, exclaiming: “No! Let me axe you!!!” and chasing them all over the town until he kills them all (except one, the final girl, who snaps him out of it by saying: “Please sir, may I ask why you are killing us?” at which point he snaps out of it and calls the police on himself, opening up the possibility of a sequel: The Axe Man Cometh 2 Kill Again).
And then if this movie is a big enough hit with high school English teachers, there will be more “grammatical gore” movies with all the “vicious, vengeful vocabulary violence” you can handle, beginning with The Slang Slayer.
Yes, it’s The Slang Slayer: the killer who so detests slang and teen-speak, whenever he hears it, he kills, using whatever means seems to match the slang used. For example, if he heard a teen say something was “dope”, he’d grab them and forcefully inject them with an overdose of dope. And if someone said something was “phat”, he’d force-feed them until they burst. And if he heard someone say something was “tight”, he’d wrap a rope around their neck and tighten it until it garroted them. And if someone claimed something was “slammin’”, he’d repeatedly slam them into the floor until they were a bloody pulp. And if someone said: “That’s cold!”, he’d lock them in a freezer until they froze to death. And if he heard someone say: “S/he’s smokin’ hot!”, he’d douse them with gasoline and set them alight! And if someone were to say something is “the bomb”, he’d blow them up! And if someone said: “Man, I’m so high!”, he’d grab them and launch them up into the air from a catapult, causing them to fall to their death! Yes, it’s The Slang Slayer: Coming soon to a high school English class near you!
Yes, it’s The Slang Slayer: the killer who so detests slang and teen-speak, whenever he hears it, he kills, using whatever means seems to match the slang used. For example, if he heard a teen say something was “dope”, he’d grab them and forcefully inject them with an overdose of dope. And if someone said something was “phat”, he’d force-feed them until they burst. And if he heard someone say something was “tight”, he’d wrap a rope around their neck and tighten it until it garroted them. And if someone claimed something was “slammin’”, he’d repeatedly slam them into the floor until they were a bloody pulp. And if someone said: “That’s cold!”, he’d lock them in a freezer until they froze to death. And if he heard someone say: “S/he’s smokin’ hot!”, he’d douse them with gasoline and set them alight! And if someone were to say something is “the bomb”, he’d blow them up! And if someone said: “Man, I’m so high!”, he’d grab them and launch them up into the air from a catapult, causing them to fall to their death! Yes, it’s The Slang Slayer: Coming soon to a high school English class near you!
