I keep seeing movies and TV shows where henchmen screw things up for bad guys, and they get killed horribly for their screw-ups. But people in the government screw things up even worse, and they don’t get fired. And that’s because of the union, where nobody can ever be fired for incompetence or corruption, or any other reason, apparently. So I think the bad guy henchmen need to unionize! That way, when they don’t kill the heroes and such, they can always live and get their job back, and fail again and again. After all, how else are evil henchmen’s families supposed to pay their bills? (And if they can’t have a happy and stable home life, it’s no wonder they keep screwing up: they’re sad and lonely.)
Of course as we all know, the real strength of a union is not its ability to keep companies in line so much as its power to prevent future employees from appearing. And so if henchmen unionized, if evil geniuses killed or fired their henchmen, they wouldn’t be able to get any more henchmen without a meeting with the union, and I think we all know how much egotistical power-crazy evil geniuses enjoy admitting they are not all-powerful. And so they’ll just accept the incompetent henchmen, and possibly have a henchmen training program to help prevent incompetence in the future. Or else the union will hold such courses so that nobody will be able to find more qualified, competent henchmen anywhere else! (Oh, and henchwomen too, of course! Or would that be henchpersons now?)
See, that’s the power of unions! Bond villains can’t just kill their henchmen when they screw up if they’re in a henchmen’s union, local 007. I mean, sure, the villains can hire some scab henchmen, but they’ll know immediately that they’ll be fed to the piranhas or crocodiles if they screw up. Plus, nobody wants a picket line in front of their secret hideout, because that’s a dead giveaway, right there. How do you think the heroes always find these places anyway? (They never tell the whole truth in these movies!)
(BTW: MS Word accepts “henchperson” as being spelled correctly, meaning someone had a meeting about this at some point. Wow, who knew being an incompetent evil henchperson would become a gender-equality rallying-cry?)
