In anticipation of a new assault rifle ban, the American
knife industry has been developing a new automatic assault knife for killers
affected by the upcoming gun ban. The new so-called “machine knife” has
multiple blades that stab in sequence, so all an assailant has to do is stab
the victim once, pull the trigger, and the knife does the rest. A spokesperson
for the knife industry said they have been working on this for a while now, not
because of the probable gun control policy, but because they’re tired of the
sexism of the slasher movies they grew up with, and that it’s about time there
was a big murder knife that anyone could easily use, especially women. (See?
It’s really just about gender equality after all!)
Also, the archery industry is developing a working version
of the automatic machine crossbow used in the movie: Van Helsing. “Let’s see them try to ban this!” said the archery
executives. But Kung Fu weapons company spokesmen cautioned them that nunchucks
are already illegal, even though they’re just two sticks with a string in the
middle, so the government could ban even the silliest thing, so they shouldn’t
attract unwanted attention.
