Lance Armstrong has apparently admitted all to Oprah. Some cynically suggest he is only doing it for selfish motives, those being so that he can reverse his lifetime ban and come back to competitive sports. But what if admitting he used performance-enhancing drugs and banned substances does not reverse his lifetime ban? Can Lance Armstrong find a way to subvert the lifetime ban and compete anyway? Some sources say yes.
Here are some ways Lance Armstrong could participate again in competitive sports despite his lifetime ban:
1.) Become a Vampire: If Lance Armstrong was a vampire, technically he would be undead, and as such, his lifetime ban would no longer be enforceable. Plus, as a vampire, he could always have lots of blood with him, and nobody would think anything of it; and even if they did, he could just say he only has it because he’s going to drink it, and he has to bring his own blood, because if he drank other cyclists’ blood, they might be doping, and then he could test positive for banned substances.
2.) Become a Zombie: In this case, he would be dead, and a lifetime ban can only affect you if you are alive.
3.) Fake His Own Death: Lance Armstrong could pretend that he died by falling to his death somewhere unreachable, like, say, the Arctic or something? Maybe he was jogging to save the polar bears or something? Then, he could suddenly appear as his “long lost twin brother” from whom he was separated at birth, and he could say that in honor of his fallen sibling, he wants to do competitive cycling as a, I don’t know, career, maybe? Because, you know, that’s that his “brother” would have wanted.
4.) Enter the Witness Protection Program: Travis Tygart himself claimed that Armstrong threatened people and could have “incinerated” anyone who testified against him. Well, that sounds like a mafia thing, doesn’t it? Tygart himself even used a mafia term for silence when talking about Armstrong strong-arming accursers. So then why not have Lance Armstrong say the mafia or some organized crime was behind the steroid/performance-enhancing drug ring, and that’s why he couldn’t ever admit it before: because he feared for his life (!). So then the FBI could erase “Lance Armstrong” so he never even existed, and in exchange for testifying against some mob guy on some unspecified charge, Lance could get a new identity from the government, and maybe some plastic surgery to boot, and then he could show up with his brand-spanking new identity and enter the world of competitive cycling unfettered by past offenses. And if the sports groups objected, they’d get hung out to dry by the Justice Dept. And as we know, some mobsters have been known to continue their lives of crime unhindered once they join the Witness Protection Program, because they are no longer prosecutable due to their deals with the government.
So as you can clearly see, Lance Armstrong has plenty of avenues to return to competitive cycling if he really wants to. But why would he? He’s already won all there is to win, right? Who cares if it was fair? Nobody else’s life is fair, so why should athletes get special treatment? Just because they do in school? That’s no reason: This is the real world now!
