It has always seemed to me that the movie series Die Hard simply begs for a Viagra tie-in campaign, especially
now that Bruce Willis is getting older. Plus, there’s a whole litany of adverse
side effect warnings in the Viagra ads, so you could totally Die Hard after taking it. And they have to warn us about that
in the ads anyway, so why not try to make it seem cool and desirable? And there
could be a tie-in ad to go with each movie, too, like so:
For the original movie Die Hard, things are looking bad for our cop hero John
McClane, and as he is being chased and shot at by terrorists, he happens to run
into a room where a sexy lady in a skimpy dress is hiding, and she runs to
cling to him. Then he turns to the camera and says: “Hey, if I’m gonna die, I
might was well Die Hard!” And
then the slogan is: “Viagra lets you Die Hard!”
Then for the next one, Die Hard 2, our hero is being chased down by villains, and he
runs into a room where someone is filming a porno movie, and our hero tells
them they’re about to be killed, and the guys making the porno movie say:
“Well, at least we’ll Die Hard!”
And John McClane says: “And it looks like I’ll Die Hard 2!”
Then, for Die Hard with a Vengeance, John McClane is having an affair with some married
woman, and her husband wants revenge. So he slips into our hero’s hotel room
and steals all his Viagra pills and takes an overdose in a drink with his
wife’s fingerprints on the glass, and with John McClane’s empty bottle of Viagra hidden in the trash. So he Dies Hard with a Vengeance, and our heroic couple must hide the evidence and
avoid being arrested and charged with his murder. And then the ad warns us
about how Viagra can cause some, um, negative side effects, etc., but also reminds us that had this cuckolded man been taking Viagra, his wife never would have cheated on him to begin with.
Next, for Live Free or Die Hard, a good friend of John McClane is railroaded for a
crime, and he is faced with life imprisonment for a crime he didn’t commit. So
when a sexy woman who is part of the conspiracy to railroad him shows up to
taunt him, he takes an overdose of Viagra, indicating that he will Live
Free or Die Hard. And when the cops find
him, they figure he must have been with a woman who killed him, and in looking around, they find evidence everywhere to indict the nefarious do-badders and bring
them to justice, proving that Viagra is a force for good, and it
And finally, in this latest chapter of the action series
that never gets old (unlike its star): A Good Day to Die Hard, our hero is kidnapped by a cult of supermodel
assassins who are sworn to kill him after flirting with him and using him as a living sex toy. So McClane pops a Viagra or two, turns to
the camera, and says: “It looks like A Good Day to Die Hard!” Then the announcer says: “It’s always A
Good Day to Die Hard! And that’s why
there’s Viagra: to be sure that all men can Die Hard!”
Hey, if you’re going to die, you might as well Die Hard! That’s what I, and the pharmaceutical industry,
always say! (Okay, they don’t say it. But I do!)
And if these ads don
