Fearing that mandatory background investigations into the source of guns used in criminal activities could lead back to him and reawaken interest in Operation Fast and Furious, Attorney General Eric Holder today expressed his opposition to this key piece of President Obama’s gun violence-curtailing initiative. When asked to comment, the Attorney General said: “This is really crazy! I mean, why the hell did I bother to obstruct justice and cover up Fast and Furious for long enough to be cited for contempt of Congress if the president is just going to execute some new law that could blow the case wide open again? I thought I was supposed to get special treatment, but now it could all blow up in my face again, and this time I might not get away with it like I did last time! I mean, you do realize that I am responsible for covering up a massive gun smuggling program that allowed countless examples of the same kind of assault rifle used in the Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre to wind up in the hands of some of the most violent Mexican drug cartels, don’t you? How would it make me look if they started showing up at crime scenes all over the country now because of this new gun investigation enforcement? I would look complicit in all of it! Jeez: maybe I should have resigned when I had the chance if my “friend” the president is just going to lead this new gun accountability push right to my front door!”
It sure is strange for politicians to just blurt out long statements like that admitting to so much malfeasance, huh? I guess maybe our reporter caught him when he had particularly bad verbal diarrhea due to his nervousness at the thought of people remembering that his guys in the ATF were responsible for loosing upon us all a massive quantity of assault rifles that were allowed to go directly into the hands of known criminals for distribution to the super-violent Mexican drug cartels. Hey, what could go wrong there? And this selfsame guy is now going to be responsible for enforcing these new strictures about assault rifles when he himself is perhaps complicit in such violations himself? (And if not, then why stonewall Congress, directly and criminally violating their constitutionally mandated oversight? Because when you do that, you most certainly do look guilty, let me tell you!)
(Oh, and I’m just kidding: Of course Attorney General Eric Holder did not say anything of the sort; I just made it all up as a joke. He would never admit to any wrongdoing; he would simply obstruct justice by covering it all up and hide behind executive privilege so he cannot be proven guilty of anything; and the news people would just sweep it all under the rug because they like the president. {But I’m pretty sure this very concern, and the irony of this situation, certainly has crossed his mind. Or at the very least, it ought to…})
But it sure is ironic in retrospect to have the guy who refused to help investigate a major gunrunning scandal that put loads of these assault rifles into the most murderous of hands is now himself responsible for investigating others who do the same thing, and then, presumably prosecuting them for the same crimes he helped cover up himself. Wow, this looks like a screwball comedy, doesn't it? I guess life really is stranger than fiction.
But it sure is ironic in retrospect to have the guy who refused to help investigate a major gunrunning scandal that put loads of these assault rifles into the most murderous of hands is now himself responsible for investigating others who do the same thing, and then, presumably prosecuting them for the same crimes he helped cover up himself. Wow, this looks like a screwball comedy, doesn't it? I guess life really is stranger than fiction.
