When I was a kid, I always wondered why Iron Man was still
named Iron Man when there were stronger metals out there than iron. Then I
thought it might be appropriate to have Iron Man fight villains made from
stronger metals, like Steel Man, Titanium Man, Platinum Man, etc., just to make
it seem extra suspenseful. But when you think about it, there really is one
especially good reason not to want to be Iron Man, and that would be rust.
So that got me thinking, how about using Iron Man for
Rust-Oleum ads? He could fight some super villain named Salt Water Man, or
Captain Corrosion, or The Oxidizer, or some such thing, and he could fight them
and get all rusty and lose the first round. Oh, but then he goes home with his
tail between his legs until he remembers about Rust-Oleum (!). So then he coats
all his armor suit stuff with Rust-Oleum, and then he goes back to fight the
villain again, and he cannot be hurt, damaged or corroded at all, and he
defeats the perplexed villain, who cries at the end: “B-b-b-but you’re ‘Iron Man’: How could you possibly defeat me?” And Iron Man says: “That’s easy: I used Rust-Oleum!”
(But you know, if he was Stainless Steel Man or Platinum Man
{After all, he’s supposed to be mega-rich, so what the hell? It’s like wearing
bargain brand sunglasses, isn’t it, to be Iron Man, rather than Platinum Man?
Or maybe he could be Gold Man, and do ads for Goldline and Rosland Capital. But
as Gold Man, he’d probably be too heavy to fight, I’ll bet.}, he wouldn’t even
have this rust issue, so isn’t he building in his own weaknesses? Or is this
simply a trick to fool adversaries, and he’s really made of space-age polymers
so he can never rust, and the villains will waste all their time trying to
corrode his suit when it’s not even iron after all. Pretty sneaky! But then
again, maybe it’s just that Iron Man sounds cooler than Carbon Graphite Man.)
