We keep hearing about dictators and such who “rule with an iron fist”. But is this such a good idea? There are so many better metals out there to make a fist to rule with out of, aren’t there? I mean, apart from the obvious problem of rust, which could make a leader look corrupt or feeble, there’s also the issue of magnetism. If your enemy had a strong enough magnet, they could just use magnetism to snatch the fist away, and then they could rule with it instead of you. And with rust, you know, your people will see your iron fist rusting, and they’ll think you’re weak. Also, your enemies could always squirt the iron fist with salt water and stuff, and make it corrode. Unless, well, I guess you could use Rust-Oleum, huh? (Hey maybe this is an emerging market for Rust-Oleum? They could make ads for dictators who rule with an iron fist and warn them that rust could corrode their iron fist unless they use Rust-Oleum.)
But if you’re ruling with an iron fist, you’re obviously going to make yourself rich, and if you’re rich, then I think, for the sake of prestige, you really ought to rule with a platinum fist. I hear you saying: “Well, why not a golden fist encrusted with diamonds?” Well, that would smack of oligarchy, and that might attract communist agitators and stuff. No, use platinum, because it’s classy, but it also kind of looks like stainless steel, so it looks suitably strong, and I believe it is not subject to magnetism, so you could even repress Magneto with it if you wanted to. Plus, if you ever have to leave in a hurry to escape during a coup, you could always sell the platinum fist for its platinum, and that’s worth a lot, so you could live off of it for a while if you had to. (And this could be a good advertising strategy for the platinum industry, especially now that lots of dictators are being overthrown: they could sell lots of platinum fists, and then those rulers would be overthrown, and they could sell lots of new ones to people like Egypt’s President Morsi.)
