In a shocking announcement, North Korean national media has announced that all North Korean soldiers now have super powers. Military intelligence analysts contend that this must have occurred during nuclear testing, either exposing the soldiers to gamma radiation so that they become Incredible Hulks when angered, or else perhaps the soldiers were bitten by radioactive spiders which then gave them Spider-Man powers, or maybe even both (!).
This announcement makes fighting North Korea all that much more difficult, because if their soldiers are exposed to further radiation in a nuclear strike scenario, they will likely grow to gargantuan size like The Amazing Colossal Man, leaving us impotent against the supreme might of an army of Amazing Colossal Men with Incredible Spider-Hulk super powers! The Pentagon admits we can’t hope to prevail in this type of scenario, so the Defense Department has recommended that the United States simply surrender now, lest we get caught with our pants down, hobbled by President Obama’s termination of the Bush Administration’s secret program to develop our own American league of super villains to counter the absolute power of The Amazing Colossal Incredible North Korean Hulk army.
