Sir Lawrence Olivier’s Hamlet is on TCM tonight, and I think we all remember how it goes, right?
Hamlet’s father’s ghost comes to him, telling him he was murdered by Hamlet’s
uncle, who is now the king, and the ghost asks Hamlet to avenge his death. And
then Hamlet hems and haws over it for what seems like forever, and finally
kills his uncle in the end. (Oh, sorry: spoiler alert?)
Oh, but what if this story was in modern day America (We
don’t have kings here, so how about some corporate leadership thingy?), and he
killed his uncle right away, and then he went on trial for murder? (The huge
following for the Jodi Arias trial made me think of this.) Well, he’d say he
killed his uncle because his uncle killed his father. And then they’d ask him
how he knows this, and he’d say that a ghost told him. And then they’d think
he’s crazy and press the jury to convict him.
Oh, but not so fast, because the defense would call all
these defense witnesses, like psychics with crystal balls, swamis with turbans,
necromancers, Ouija board readers, etc., to back up his claims. And they’d all
be on the witness stand, acting possessed by spirits, etc., to show that a
ghost really did reveal the truth to him, and that he only acted because no-one
else would. And then they’d call the executives from the Bio Network cable TV
station, and they’d have to act like they believed in ghosts, because of all
the ghost shows and psychic shows they have on Bio, just like Mr. Macy
testified that he believed his Macy’s Santa Claus was the “one and only Santa
Claus” in Miracle on 34th Street. And if
they got just one believer
in the supernatural on the jury, it would be deadlocked, and he’d get a
mistrial. And then he could get his dad’s ghost to ask other ghosts to haunt
all the prospective future judges and jurors, just so nobody would ever be
willing to try Hamlet for murder again! And then he’d get away with it, he
could marry Ophelia, saving her from drowning, and all the other lives that
were so senselessly lost just because Hamlet wasn’t a wanton murderer in the
play like he should have been.
But seriously: everyone would tune in for Hamlet’s murder trial! Are you kidding? It’s got everything:
Power, lust, incest, revenge, violence, murder, ghosts, what else could anyone want?
Plus, everyone would have to argue their cases in Olde English! And who doesn’t
love trying to translate that on the fly?
(Oh, and I have previously complained that The Treasure
of the Sierra Madre should have won best
picture over Hamlet that year,
but I acquiesce now that maybe Hamlet deserved it. But they’re both great!)
