I recently saw a TV commercial for Rembrandt toothpaste that claims it will whiten your teeth in just a few hours (!). Oh, but what if that's too long to wait for whiter teeth? What if you need whiter teeth in mere seconds? Well, it's your lucky day, because I have a way to get brilliantly white teeth in just seconds!
What's the secret? Why, it's paint! Simply rinse your mouth out with white latex house paint, swishing the paint especially well through your teeth, and spit it out. And voila, beautifully white teeth right away with no waiting!
Now, I hear some people complain that the rest of their mouth is white too, but hey, I never said it only made your teeth white. If you just smile and don't open your mouth, nobody can tell! And then, when you're finished, simply gargle with turpentine, and your mouth goes back to normal! What could be simpler?
(Warning, may cause death from poisoning! But, if you really want ultra-white teeth in a hurry, you won't let that stop you! After all, isn't having brilliantly white teeth more important than life itself?)
