Stephen Colbert brought up the “War on Christmas” on The Colbert Report tonight, and it reminded me of something. Whenever I see a story about the “War on Christmas”, I generally see a graphic of a green pine tree shape (like one of those car fresheners) with a red circle around it and with the diagonal red line through it. That’s not a “War on Christmas” tree! A “War on Christmas” tree should look like a war tree! So it should be decorated appropriately. Here are some suggestions:
Rather than a regular wimpy star on the top, it should be topped off with a razor-sharp 5-pointed Krull-style throwing star. Then, instead of regular, boring Christmas tree balls, the “War on Christmas” tree should be decorated with hand grenades all over it, but maybe painted red and green, to indicate blood and camo. Also, instead of popcorn strings wrapped around the tree, there should be bullet belts full of machine gun bullets. Then, since it’s a Christmas tree, it should have wrapped presents arranged and stacked up all underneath it; but since it’s also a “War on Christmas” tree, they should all be “suspicious packages” and letter-bombs and such. And, last but not least, it should have assault rifles leaning up against it from all sides. Oh, and it should be planted on a landmine, rather than one of those tree-stabilizers: that way, if anyone tries to remove it, it will blow them up.
So from now on, whenever I see a news story about the “War on Christmas”, I want to see an appropriate “War on Christmas” tree accompanying the story! Otherwise, it’s not really a real war, now is it? (But then again, it isn’t, now is it? But it must seem like one, so please use an appropriate tree for the occasion.)
(Oh, by the way, if you get drafted to fight the “War on Christmas”, do you have to wear a Santa Claus uniform? On at least one side, I’d think they would be Santa Clauses. Or would that be elves as soldiers being led by a Santa Claus officer?)
And this is just a joke: please don’t put grenades on Christmas trees, and please don’t put Christmas trees on landmines! (I can’t believe I’m actually writing a disclaimer about this, but if I don’t, the FBI might just show up in Santa Claus suits and take me away…)
