When I was a
child, I thought the Ghost of Christmas Present was about Christmas presents,
because in the movies of A Christmas Carol, he always looks like a
Bacchanalian Santa Claus, sitting as he does on a pile of wrapped gift boxes in
front of a Christmas tree. But no, he was the Ghost of Christmas Present, as in
the spirit of the current Christmas that’s coming up in a few short weeks (or
whenever the Christmas depicted in the movie is happening).
But there could
be a ghost of Christmas presents, you know. After all, we eviscerate our
Christmas presents by flaying their wrapping paper skin off of them (perhaps
while they’re still alive), and ripping their guts out, which are actually our
presents. But they didn’t know that! How would you like it if
some monstrous child tore your flesh off and ripped out your internal organs to
play with? Why, I’m guessing you’d be shocked, perhaps even perturbed, and
quite possibly feeling a desire for revenge. And that’s what the Ghost of
Christmas Presents would be: a phantasmagorical monster made up of an amalgam
of mangled, mutilated boxes, torn, shredded wrapping paper, severed string and
ribbons and a tangle of tape, writhing in furious agony with a ravenous,
vindictive yearning for what was inside of them they’ve lost (our presents and
toys); but now they’re going to take your soul! (<By flaying
you alive and ripping it out of you…! Oh, that’s not possible? Well, they
don’t know that! Mwa ha ha!)
Yes, the next
time you tear into a wrapped Christmas gift, be aware you’re creating a ghost
that will haunt you all mercilessly throughout the rest of your lives: The
Ghost of Christmas Presents…! And like the chain Jacob Marley made for
himself link by link with his greed, with every Christmas present you wantonly
rip apart, you are building a bigger and bigger Ghost of Christmas Presents
that will haunt you to an early grave year after year, Christmas after
Christmas! And it’s a little-known fact that Chrtistmas is also called X-Mas
because it will X you out and leave you Xs for eyes, like on dead comics
characters (!!!). (Maybe next time you’ll untie the ribbons carefully and save
the wrapping paper like your mother told you to. But it still won’t save
you…!)
Wow, you really
should have listened to your mother, shouldn’t you have? (Well, let that be a
lesson to you, even though it’s already too
late.)
(Actually, this
could make a fun conservation ad encouraging people to reuse and recycle
holiday wrapping paper, ribbon and boxes, or else the Ghost of Christmas
Presents’s apparition will appear. I already do this anyway, so the ghost will
only come for you!)
Of course, the
Ghost of Christmas Present could also be some disused toy you got for Christmas
years ago that committed suicide when you stopped playing with it and ignored
it, and now it’s haunting you for revenge.
