Recently, there have been a number of fatal bear attacks in our national parks. Just a couple of days ago, forest rangers had to euthanize a grizzly bear for charging campers and stealing their food. And just yesterday, a polar bear attacked a bunch of British students in Norway. Bears seem to be coming closer and closer, threatening us in our very neighborhoods. But now, they’re threatening our economy. They're sneaking into our advertising. And yes, now it has been reported that there is even a bear market!
Look, we all know what’s going on here, don’t we? Bears are trying to steal our jobs and take over our retail sales! And it’s easy to see why: They’re cute and furry, and we’ve been brainwashed into trusting them through years of conditioning with stuffed Teddy Bears, cartoons of friendly bears like Yogi Bear and child-protecting buddies like Baloo from The Jungle Book, in addition to horrendous pro-bear propaganda like The Berenstain Bears. (By the way: The "stain" in "Berenstain" is blood!) Even our fabric softeners have ursine mascots, so we’ve even been conditioned to associate soft clothes with bears! After years of such brainwashing, what defense have any of us against this furry threat?
But the economy isn’t all they're after! These wily woolly ones want to attract us so they can eat us! Once we’re in their stores to purchase their wares, what’s going to keep them from slamming the door and feasting on our flesh? I’m telling you, we’ve got a lot more to lose in a bear market than money! For what use have bears for human money anyway, except to buy honey and salmon with? And once they’ve bought up and eaten all the lox and orange blossom honey there is, they’ll be coming for our appendages!
They may look cute and fuzzy, but they're ravenous killers, and they even ate the Grizzly Man! And he was named after them! And he was trying to protect them! But even so, did they let that stop them? No, they couldn’t resist his humany goodness! And we’re next!
