This ad, which shows a bunch of people painting the walls in their homes different colors and patterns, says that “walls can talk”, but that it’s their job to make them say something interesting. But wouldn’t they make more money if they could get the walls to tell them all the juicy secret stuff people say and do in private? Then they could blackmail everyone about everything! After all, Home Depot has been having an awful time lately, with their company taking a beating in the wake of the mortgage meltdown and housing bubble deflation. So maybe they should take another tack in their business strategy. And heck, if they can get walls to actually talk, the least they could do is profit off of what they say somehow, right? (Maybe in some cases they are resorting to painting the walls embarrassing colors as a torture/humiliation tactic to get the walls to talk!)
So maybe blackmail is a little extreme. But hey, now that tabloid newspapers have been busted for hacking into celebrities’, politicians’, and crime victims’ cell-phones and answering machines, they’re going to need a new way of getting inside information. So it’s not illegal to ask a friend to tell you what they know, right? And after all the tender loving care Home Depot has given to interior walls over the past few decades, I’m sure these walls, out of a sense of appreciation, would be willing to dish on some gossip about their tenants, right? So then obviously, to reinvigorate their business, and to increase profits, Home Depot should start asking walls to tattle on their residents so they can sell that info to the tabloids, or maybe even start their own tabloid gossip rag: “The Weekly Wall Tattler”, or “The Wall Secret Journal". (And they could start a new gossip cable TV network like E! called: “Wall-E!”)
After all, they didn’t say: “If walls could talk…”, they said: “Walls can talk; but it’s our job to make them say something interesting!” Damn straight! Make them say something interesting we’d all like to know, and the tabloids will fly off the shelves! And don’t they owe it to the shareholders to profit off of this angle, especially in light of how badly the economy has been going lately? Plus, don’t they owe it to the ailing newspaper industry, now in desperate need of a new candid source for salacious gossip-mongering? After all, many walls are insulated with old newspapers, so unless they want all newspapers to share the same fate after keeping them warm and protected for so many years, they’ve got to do something to help! At least, I think so! (Don't you?)
Here’s the ad:
