The name of the term “cold turkey” has always confused me. Where does this expression come from? Did they used to do cigarette-withdrawal studies with turkeys as guinea pigs, and instantly quitting smoking made the turkeys feel cold or something? Did they get that bumpy “chicken skin” when they tried to quit smoking immediately? And if that’s what happened, then why isn’t it called “turkey skin” when people get bumpy skin from feeling cold? Or did they do this stuff on chickens first, and name the skin condition after them? I don’t know, but I’d like to! Why are they keeping all of this a secret from us? What are they trying to hide? It must be pretty bad, or else we’d all know already! But if they told us, maybe they’d become the next target of PeTA, and that’s why they’re trying to keep it a secret!
Or could that secret be that they made turkeys become heroin addicts just to see how they’d respond to being cut off “cold turkey”? Imagine: getting turkeys hooked on smack for jollies! So that’s what they’re so ashamed of! Well, I’m not surprised, after what they did to those monkeys in Rise of the Planet of the Apes! Actually, I haven’t seen it yet, but I’m assuming that song “Shock the Monkey” is about what they did to make the apes revolt. And wouldn’t you revolt too, having to listen to that song all the time? I mean, being shocked and stuff. That’s what probably did it. Well, and the fact that “You blew it up, you maniacs!” Yeah, shocking the monkey not enough for you, huh? You had to blow up the Earth too! (You can’t blame it on Marvin Martian this time!) Well, I’m very disappointed in you, torturing turkeys and shocking the monkey. PeTA was right about you! It’s no wonder they throw paint on you and stuff.
After all, you didn’t even make little jackets for all those cold turkeys, so you must be a very callous individual.
