Okay, I’ve been writing about silly douche ads from Summer’s Eve, and I think it would be unfair of me to rip on them without showing you all how silly of an idea I could come up with for a douche ad. So here it is!
This is a joke ad I wrote for a show like Robot Chicken or Funny or Die, and it shows KISS playing one of their most popular early songs, “Deuce” (changed to “Douche”), in a commercial for Massengill douches. It’s not intended to be a serious ad, but I’ll bet if they made it, it would get so much free publicity, they’d barely even have to pay to have it run on TV! Plus, I’ll bet it would make everyone talk up their brand so much, they’d probably forget all about these Summer’s Eve ads. (But the Summer’s Eve ads are well-intentioned, and I think make some good points, although they really leave themselves open for a lot of ridicule! But perhaps that was the point: To keep people talking about them, in whatever way, to get word-of-mouth advertising for their brand. And who knows: Maybe it will work for them. But so would this, I’ll bet!)
Okay, so this ad would show KISS performing live onstage in makeup (of course!), and they would play a modified version of the song “Deuce”. So here’s a script of what would happen:
INT. CONCERT ARENA STAGE / NIGHT:
(THE BAND KISS, IN MAKEUP AND COSTUME, PLAYS THEIR SONG “DEUCE”, BUT WITH THE FOLLOWING LYRICS.)
GENE SIMMONS & PAUL STANLEY: (Singing the Chorus)
Baby when you’re feeling good,
But baby you’re not feeling so fresh (band mates sing: “You know what I mean”)
You know your man is working hard,
He’s worth a douche!
(THE ANNOUNCER SPEAKS OVER EDITED VIDEO OF THE BAND PLAYING.)
ANNOUNCER: Massengill helps rejuvenate you when you have that “not so fresh” feeling that can come from “that time of the month”. (CUT TO A SHOT OF GENE SIMMONS SPITTING BLOOD, THEN BACK TO THE BAND PLAYING.) And its time-tested mixture of vinegar and water helps prevent discomfort or burning sensations. (CUT TO GENE SIMMONS SPITTING FIRE, THEN BACK TO THE BAND PLAYING.) Get Massengill for that perfectly fresh feeling every time!
(THE BAND FINISHES THE SONG, AND THE WORD “MASSENGILL” EXPLODES IN SPARKLERS ABOVE THE STAGE.)
THE END.
So, okay; that’s pretty silly and gross, right? But it’s an attention-getter! I once heard that no publicity is bad publicity, and if that’s true, then this ad would be perfect! (Of course, if it’s not true, well, um…) And of course, it was inspired in part by that Dr. Pepper ad with KISS and Little Kiss. Hey, maybe they could both do this, too!
Don’t know the song? Here’s a version of KISS doing it for a TV show in 1975 (The chorus is at 43 seconds and at 1:30.):
And here they are from their 1996 reunion tour in Madison Square Garden (The chorus is at 1:08):
And here’s the song off a record:
Oh, and here’s that KISS/Mini Kiss Dr. Pepper ad:
