I’m not the biggest Michele Bachmann fan, but there’s one thing she stands for I can really get behind, and that’s her light bulb choice legislation! I hate these stupid curly-cue compact fluorescents with their ugly light and their high price tag and their short but very exaggerated lifespans! Plus, I’m not crazy about the fact that when I have to use the bathroom, the bulb takes a few minutes to get going, so I still have to try to find the toilet in the dark. In fact, it is my belief that these bulbs were designed by criminals who mandated their usage so that when we come home, they can overpower us in the dark and rob our homes before the bulbs can warm up enough for us to identify them!
Many others hate these lame light bulbs for various and sundry reasons, among them the fact that they’re toxic cancer machines that require special disposal that nobody will adhere to, especially once gasoline is so expensive, we won’t be able to afford to take them to a special recycling/hazardous waste disposal center for fear of being waylaid by refugees from The Road Warrior. And seriously, when mandating the use of some stupid hippie bullshit, perhaps before we’re all forced to do it, the government might consider whether or not the improper disposal of said mandated products isn’t even more dangerous than letting people use what they want. And a hint: these are way worse for the environment if disposed of incorrectly en masse, which they will be, I’m certain. Even if I have to do it myself, by breaking into the recycling center and stealing all the burnt out bulbs and sneaking them into a landfill, I’m sure they will be improperly disposed of! (Just kidding. I don’t have to do anything. I just know what Americans are like. You see, I am one.)
So I hereby proclaim the need for an underground of rebels to fight back against these illumin-Nazis; true American heroes who will fight for truth, justice, and the American way of lighting their homes! (That’s with incandescent bulbs, in case you were wondering!) This bold group of anti-authoritarian heroes will be called The IlluminNaughty, named after the heroic group of scientists (the Illuminati) who fought the unjust and dictatorial policies of the Catholic Church in the Age of Enlightenment! And what better term to use, when our own government is trying to snuff out the enlightenment in our own homes with the mandated usage of these crappy, poisonous, hazardous, unreliable, hideous compact fluorescent bulbs! I call all the illuminated among us: don’t let the light be turned off on our nation! It’s time for the insurrection of The IlluminNaughty! (We’re called the IlluminNaughty because the government has dictated that it’s naughty to use incandescent bulbs, you see. And as rule-breakers, we’re kind of naughty by definition.)
We in the IlluminNaughty will be a secret society of those who use and provide for others illegal incandescent bulbs. We will live in a secret world of enlightenment, while the rest of the country falls dimly behind the darkness of government oppression! This is a path for heroes and iconoclasts, but beware: we’ll be easy to spot, what with being the only ones with decent lighting in our homes. So draw your curtains at night, and join The IlluminNaughty! Rebel against the start of a new Dark Age, and begin anew the Age of Enlightenment! The IlluminNaughty will illuminate us all!
