Apple has just passed Exxon as the biggest American company, so I thought I’d take this opportunity to repost something I wrote about the size/success of Apple a couple of months ago. Here’s the news story about Apple passing Exxon:
And here’s the post from June, titled “The Big Apple”:
Now that Apple computers is the biggest tech company in the world, surpassing even Microsoft for bigosity (that’s geeky-tech lingo for “large size”), they’re going to have to make a marked shift in the way they do business. When Microsoft was top of the heap, they used to try to make, market, and monopolize everything so it was impossible for smaller companies to compete. That’s why everyone loved them so much, and why Bill Gates has to have armed guards protecting his compound night and day! Or maybe he just likes to live like a Bond villain. I guess I would do that too if I could, with the pools full of sharks in my yard, and pushing people into them who “failed” to monopolize search engine software or put all competitors out of business by copying all of their products and then integrating them into our all-encompassing, proprietary system in such a way as to be un-suable, etc. Oh, and also having hot hit-women who kill rival programmers and businessmen with poisoned hair barrettes or stiletto-heeled shoes with actual switchblade-enhanced stilettos in the heels, etc. That would be totally sweet! Awesome! And then sometimes I’d do the killing myself, but with the CEO of Google’s fingerprints and DNA on my hands so he’d get blamed for it! Yeah!
Um, so where was I? Uh... Oh, yes: Apple! I almost forgot… Sorry.
So now that Apple is the king of the hill, they’re going to have to start being complete jerks for no reason if they want to stay there! Hey, it worked for Microsoft, right? Because they’re still, um; hmm. Um, actually, never mind about them… After all, we’re discussing Apple here anyway! So, back to Apple. Right: So they’re going to have to start being dicks, because that’s what big companies do, right? Right.
So what they should do first, since they’re the biggest tech company in the whole world, is sue New York City over the rights for who gets to use the expression: “The Big Apple”. After all, New York has huge budgetary woes right now, and as a result, they’re not going to have the money to fight some protracted frivolous lawsuit over who actually owns the phrase: “The Big Apple”. (This may seem dumb to you, but Paris Hilton owns the phrase: "It's hot!" now, so every time someone says it {like I just did there}, they owe her money! That's why she's so rich!) So New York will probably put up some token resistance, but since they won’t really want to pay for some big, drawn-out court case, they’ll just let it drop; and since Apple is the biggest tech company in the world, with all the huge bags of cash that come with that distinction, they’ll be able to basically “buy” the verdict and win exclusive right to being called: “The Big Apple”! Naturally, New York won’t respect the verdict, since they’ve been called: “The Big Apple” for as long as anyone can remember, so they’ll just keep on using it anyway. Oh, but since Apple actually will own it now exclusively, they can sue the city and demand to be paid royalties for every time anyone refers to New York City as: “The Big Apple”. But to make even more money, of course they will have all of their own employees constantly refer to New York as: “The Big Apple”, so that every time, New York will have to cough up some extra dough; and to be extra dickish about it, they ought to go look through old historical documents and advertising about New York City, and Xerox it all lots of times, so that for every page that has a reference to New York City as: “The Big Apple”, the city will have to pay them yet another royalty for using the term. Plus, Apple will get the prestige of referring to themselves as: "The Big Apple", and they'll make everyone else do it too, if they want to use Apple's products. Then, finally they’ll start acting like and be recognized as a major, evil corporation, and only then will they be hailed as “the new Microsoft”!
But that’s not all! Because they want to preserve the integrity of their brand, they will have to attempt to stamp out all negative expressions referring to apples, like "Rotten to the core", etc. So they’ll have to file suit in federal court to suppress the term: “Bad apple”, as in “One bad apple spoils the whole bunch”: after all, the person saying that could be referring to computers, and that slanders the Apple brand, suggesting that if you introduce just one Apple computer into a Windows or Linux environment, it will crash and corrupt the whole system! Also, they'll have to eradicate use of the aforementioned expression: "Rotten to the core", since it could suggest that Apple computers are corrupted or unreliable through and through! (This one is especially essential to quash because of the fact that Apple now uses Intel "Core" processors, and that would further resonate as an insult to Apple computers! So "Rotten to the Core" could become the new motto, catch-phrase, or rallying-cry of the nascent anti-Apple tech underground! And they must be stamped out now! After all, the {metaphorical} pen {actually a keyboard, but whatever} is mightier {metaphorically speaking} than the sword, isn't it now? So to limit what a "pen" can actually say helps you to mitigate its power! Right?) And then they’d have to fight to suppress the expression: “An apple a day keeps the doctor away”, since it seems to suggest that their products are so unreliable or so quickly outmoded that you’ll have to buy a new one every day in order to have one that’s a functional and useful tool for computer stuff, otherwise you’ll have to have the “doctor” (obviously computer lingo for a tech-support person) come over and fix your apple computer unless you buy a new one every single day!
Then, of course, since they can't suppress everything to do with apples, they will have to lobby to have some of the these expressions altered, or their meanings redefined to suit their purposes. Action will have to be taken to change the understanding of the term: “Apples and Oranges”, to where it no longer means two things that are different but equally desirable, but rather to where it means that the apple is the really great thing, and the orange sucks. (Anyone who suggests otherwise will be fined and/or imprisoned!) And then, naturally, they will have to peer-pressure religions into changing the fruit used by the serpent to tempt Eve in the Garden of Eden* into some other fruit (like, say, an orange, perhaps: just to sear into everyone’s memory the new mantra of apples being way better than oranges!), so as to besmirch the apple no longer! Religions who refuse will have to use Windows machines, and the threat of that is going to make them all just agree to change the fruit to an orange. (Sorry: Sunkist, Tropicana & Florida! You've had your "time in the sun"!)
Yes, Apple has the power now, as the largest and most innovative, visionary computer company in the world! The only thing that’s missing now is the insufferable dickishness that’s exhibited by other companies of this size and prestige. We can all hope that they’ll step up the implementation of these aforementioned suggested steps, and that they'll begin to exhibit more of this type of abusive behavior. Only then will they win the distinction of being the primary target of hackers and malware, like Microsoft still is today. And after all, surely Apple wants to dominate Microsoft in all areas, right? I know I would…
* (BTW: I know that they actually named the company “Apple” after the “forbidden fruit” of the Garden of Eden, but that was then, when they were an upstart, renegade company of rebels; and this is now, when they are the biggest tech company in the world, and they finally have the opportunity to become “the new Microsoft”! If you have the power, why not abuse it? Look at government: now that’s how it’s done!)
