Anyone who loves old movies has probably seen The Heiress. I just saw a trailer for it on TCM. It’s really great, but it struck me recently how if it were remade now, her just not answering the door would be too passive of a revenge for today’s audiences. After all, we’ve got ass-kickers like Zoe Saldana and Uma Thurman now, and unless there’s a Samurai sword involved, it didn’t really get paid back, right? But you have to remember: this is a period piece; so no Samurai swords or machine guns, okay? But somehow, that ending wouldn’t quite work today anyway.
So here is what I propose, for when they remake The Heiress: Obviously they’d have to use Ryan Phillipe for the Montgomery Clift role, right? Because he’s the guy who’s slipperiest and most social-climbiest, right? Or maybe I just can’t get over his role in Gosford Park. But that’s his fault for playing it so well anyway, so there! But anyway, so at the end of the movie, when the jerky not-show-up-at-the-altar-y guy finally shows up at the rematch, she can’t just not answer the door, right? That’s too old-school! So what she has to do is, she opens the door, and as he starts walking in, she kicks him in the nuts, and as he falls forward in pain, she pokes him in both eyes with her fingers like in The Three Stooges, and then she kicks him back down the stairs and slams the door.
Oh, but it’s not over yet! For she calls the cops on him and says he tried to rape her, and everyone on her payroll has to agree, or else they’re killed horribly! So then he’s not just rejected, but he’s scorned for life as a sex-offender, and he’ll never get married again! It’s perfect!
And after all these new revenge-themed movies, I guess we’ll have to get Zoe Saldana to play the role of the heiress of the title. But we’ll all want her to be shooting people and stuff, right? Well, okay, then there’s got to be some sub-plots about her saving his life from mercenaries and the CIA and the KGB and Al Qaida and stuff, but he still rejects her, standing her up at the altar even though she saved his life and she’s a super-rich heiress! So he doubly deserves it! (Especially in this economy!) Well, in that case, I think she ought to be allowed to use a bazooka to blow him away at the end! Just think of it: He believes they’re gong to be married, but she just blows him away right as she opens the door, and the only thing left of him is the sizzling, smoking corsage that falls at her feet! And then, in her final act of revenge, she stamps out the corsage like a cigarette with her leather boots, grinding it to dust in the red granite stone of her stoop! Now wouldn’t that be perfect?
So, when are they going to make that remake? I can’t wait to see it now!
Here’s the IMDB page for The Heiress, and think of how much better it will be with machine guns, bazookas, kung fu, and skimpy underwear! You know you want to see it!:
