Tonight, Anderson Cooper had a story about foster children, and how some of them as young as 1-year-old were on as many as five psychotropic prescription drugs. And then he said this was irresponsible, or whatever, and talked to some neurosurgeon about it. But look, what does a neurosurgeon know about psychiatry? He just lobotomizes everyone! So naturally he’s mad that pharmaceuticals are replacing all of his brain surgery work in toddler lobotomies. That’s where he makes all his money! (Maybe that’s why he’s on TV now: all his work dried up because of this responsible drug treatment!)
Look, TV reporters and competing-treatment-oriented doctors don’t have a right to throw stones, here! They ask why little kids would need psychotropic and anti-psychotic and anti-depressant medications, as well as pharmaceutical speed for ADD and stuff? Isn’t it obvious? Just look at any young kid: they talk to their dolls and stuffed animals like they’re living people! They act like all this stuff is happening around them when it’s not! (Like tea parties and such.) They’re crazy! (Like a bear could speak English even if it wasn’t stuffed: yeah right! Someone’s watched too many episodes of Sesame Street!) How do we know they’re not going to be instructed to murder us all in our beds by their toys? I’m telling you: all our lives are at risk until we can stop these dangerous childish delusions in these kids!
So to protect us all, they give them anti-psychotic stuff. And then, that makes them a bit sluggish and somber, so we give them some anti-depressants to cheer up, and wake them up a bit. And then they might get a bit too bouncing-off-the-walls-y, so we give them some speed to take the edge off (it has the reverse effect on kids for some reason: We found this out when our kids got in our meth and they, um, I mean…*). And then, finally, they leave us alone, so we can get some peace and quiet! Um, I mean, that after such qualified treatment, we can finally stabilize these troubled tykes.
And you people want to criticize this? Try living with a few kids who are always asking for stuff: like food, or to play, or to get stuff read to them, or whatever: then you’ll understand that it’s all for the best! Just feed ‘em some pills, and then you can go back to watching the game! It’s the American way!
(BTW: This is just a joke, and that neurosurgeon is a good man! He hardly lobotomizes anyone anymore: I think I’ll probably be his last lobotomy, if he ever reads this!)
If you want to see more on this story, go to:
And there you can see a picture of Anderson Cooper making that annoying fake empathy face he always makes on the news during tragic stories to shame the viewer. I have always been super annoyed about this, but I wasn’t going to say anything until I saw this expression as the background picture of his blog (!). Look, Anderson: I know you’re sad about whatever, but I didn’t do it, so stop it with the “How dare you: It’s your fault!” face! I didn’t do it, and even if I did, I deny it anyway! Where’s my lawyer?
* (This, by the way, is a joke as well. But I always wondered how they found out that speed has the opposite effect on kids. Hmmm… Do you suppose they just gave it to a bunch of kids to see what would happen?)
