Yes, it’s true: Ignorant hippies are trying to kill horse jobs! It sounds silly, but it’s true! They want to destroy American horse careers by eliminating horse-drawn carriage employment in Central Park! How could they?
Don’t these purported “animal rights” rejects know that when they end the carriage rides, horses will have nowhere else to turn to support their families than selling drugs? It’s true! Why do you think “horse” is a slang term for heroin? It’s because horses used to sell it back before these carriage-pulling jobs! So now horses will have to turn to a life of crime just to feed their colts and fillies! Oh, the equidanity!
And it’s just in time for this to help the drug cartels, too! I’ll bet it’s not even against the law for horses to sell drugs yet! And this will give them time to teach other beasts of burden how to deal drugs and avoid detection! Before we know it, the entire animal kingdom will be dealing drugs to our children in New York City, and the rest of the world will be next, all because of these job-killing hippies!
And guess what they want to use to replace the horses? That’s right: Horseless carriages (otherwise knows as “cars”)! So these people want to stop us from driving cars because of all the pollution, but when we replace them with horses, then they want us to use cars again! Make up your minds, hippies! Which is destroying the world more: horses clomping through Central Park, or greenhouse gasses?
I’ve got an idea: since the pollution doesn’t seem to be an issue anymore, and horse unemployment will break their spirits and destroy their families, then why not do this: Let’s get motorcycles for the horses to ride! That way, they can still keep their jobs pulling the carriages, but it won’t be as much work for them! (Oh, but then we’ll get gangs of obese Harley-riding equestrian bikers {hog-riding horses} all over the place! And they’ll still probably sell drugs! Aaaa! We’re screwed either way!!)
Oh, but I have an even better idea! Let’s keep the horses doing what they’re doing, but to keep their hooves from hurting and stuff, let’s pave the roads with these anti-horse-job hippies! Then it will be really soft when their hooves trot through the park! In fact, if these supposed horse lovers don’t agree to this, it will prove they don’t really care about the horses after all! So what’s it going to be? Put up or shut up!
