These days, it seems that partisan politics have seeped into every aspect of our lives. There are news networks dedicated to propagandizing for the right and the left, internet ads for political candidates, political ads that are more like promotions and entertainment, and then there are the SuperPAC ads, that push for causes, but don’t really make it clear who they’re supporting, or who’s paying for it (or even who they’re trying to convince, and to what end). It seems like there’s no further extent that they could take this stuff, right? Well, you’re wrong there!
Political campaigns are missing out on one of the great propaganda tools of all time: horror movies! The 1930s were full of them: don’t trust scientists! The 1950s were full of them too: be afraid of nukes, they’ll make giant bugs and radioactive dinosaurs (etc.)! And the slasher films of the 1980s did it too, teaching killers that there would always be a goody-goody liberated woman to stop their awesome killing sprees: the “final girl”.
(And yet Final Net hairspray never used this as an advertising strategy!: After showing a final girl escape and then kill the killer in a slasher movie, they could then show us all how perfect her hair still looked after it all, thanks to Final Net! “Final Net: For the ‘Final Girl’ in you!” Then they could have the police show up and say: “Wow, and after all that, your hair still looks perfect! Are you sure you’re the ‘Final Girl’?” And then she could shake her head all around, and then flip her hair back, demonstrating how it’s still perfectly styled even after all that! Oh, and then they could advertise about how if you spray enough Final Net on your skin, no knife, axe, saw or blade can penetrate its sticky barrier, helping you to remain the “Final Girl”! I wonder why they didn’t do it?)
Ah, yes, but back to politics: both political parties, and all political candidates, are missing out on the horror movie angle for propagandizing their message! Let’s take the “class warfare” idea for starters:
So President Obama, trying to scare everyone about the power of the 1%, could make a movie like Soylent Green, where because corporations have destroyed the environment thanks to Republicans, and due to overpopulation due to pro-lifers, there’s nothing left to eat except humans, so the rich 1% raise poor people as cattle to eat as cannibals (!!!). So to prevent this from coming to pass, you must vote for Barack Obama (unless you want to be eaten!).
So then Republicans (I’m grouping them together for now since they don’t have a candidate yet) could make a horror movie to scare “job creators” where the poor get tired of only living off of what “trickles down”, and so they decide to make a cliché reality by actually eating the rich (!!!). And of course, because of the Democrats’ anti gun agenda, there’s no ammunition left to fight with, so the poor overwhelm everyone, and anyone who is even slightly successful is masticated while still alive, and they become the poop at the protest camps they’ve all been making fun of. (Like being {from} the butt of their own joke, so to speak.)
So they should try this, I think, to scare people into voting for them. Some people may say political ads have already achieved this cartoonish level of exaggeration, but I say that’s a filthy lie! They’ll never reach that point until they’re painting the opposition as ravenous cannibal zombies threatening to murder, rape, and eat your family just because you’re on the wrong side of the political argument! Only then can they claim that level of, how shall I say it (?): political persuasion of the highest order.
Oh, but they can’t stop here! For candidates vying for their party’s nomination must use the same horrific strategy to lure voters away from other candidates! So, let’s say someone’s going against Rick Perry, or Michele Bachmann: they should make a gory Spanish Inquisition-themed religious persecution epic of torture porn, where they’re the head of some inquisition that’s forcing everyone to convert to Christianity through torture. Then you can have a holocaust movie that shows Ron Paul winning the presidency, and Iran nukes the world, making most everyone into radioactive zombies, while everyone else must battle giant radioactive insects and dinosaurs, thanks to his policy of isolationism. And then, someone could make a movie about how Newt Gingrich was seduced by some foreign spy to reveal all our military secrets, and we’re overrun by fanatical whatevers, while at the same time she gives him some bio-terrorist STD, and then he gives it to all his new wives, etc., who spread it throughout the political class, causing insanity and nuclear holocaust. And they could just go on and on, taking whatever perceived weakness or character flaw is taken to its utmost extreme, to show how the world will end and America will be destroyed if we vote for whoever they’re against. And the funny thing is, horror movies, especially the really gory, crazy ones, can do very well financially, and so political parties could use this as a way to get extra campaign money even if nobody wants to donate to them.
See? It just makes sense! So what are they waiting for? Where’s the Obama “appeasement” horror movie, where he appeases the Taliban to where they take over America, and all of our sexpot movie actresses are tortured and humiliated for arousing desire in the loins of men? (It wouldn’t look much different from all the other torture porn movies, actually.)
