I saw the original foreign film of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo a couple of years ago on NetFlix, and ever since then, I kept hearing about the American remake. I was wondering how they were going to ruin it, like they always seem to do with remakes of foreign films. And then it hit me: I know how they ought to ruin it, and then they could just say they did it to make it more accessible to American audiences!
How should they do it, you might ask? With overblown, unnecessary CGI effects, of course! (And some unnecessary “twist” ending.) And this will require altering the plot somewhat, so it will be just like usual, and hardly anyone will notice! (Because they always do it like this!)
Okay, so here’s what they should do (I hope it’s not too late for them to do it!): When Lisbeth Salander (the eponymous “girl with the dragon tattoo”) confronts the killer, he ought to seem to get the upper hand; but then, just as we begin to lose hope, her dragon tattoo comes alive and becomes a real (fake CGI) dragon, which breathes fire on, mangles and slaughters the killer in an overdone display of special effects only gauche enough to be made in the USA! Then, with the villain thus dispatched, the dragon lands on her shoulder like a parrot on a pirate, and quickly dissolves back into her skin as her dragon tattoo. Then she could explain it to the guy she saved by saying he’d been drugged or something, and her tattoo doesn’t really come to life and kill people, etc. (Unless they snitch on her!)
See? Then we could all wonder if it was all a dream, or if her dragon tattoo is the real killer all along, etc.
And that’s how I would ruin the remake of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo if it was my movie! Oh, and the investigator guy would turn out to be a ghost at the end, and Salander is a ghost hunter or paranormal investigator, or whatever. (You’ve just got to have a ghost in everything these days! Ghost hunting is all the rage!) Oh, and the ghost is the real killer, but he doesn’t remember doing it, because he has a split personality! And then the “twist” shows the ghost doing all the killing, being helped by the dragon tattoo, who peer-pressures him into doing it all. But the dragon tattoo is just in his imagination, and Salander doesn’t even have a dragon tattoo, as it is revealed in the final shot of the film. (!!!) But it was all a dream anyway, so it’s okay! And he only had that dream because he got indigestion from eating at Magic Dragon Chinese restaurant the night before, and falling asleep while watching Inked.
