Smart Car Hurricane Gas Lines Ad (Proposed)

I thought of this ad idea for the Smart Car when I was watching coverage of the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy, and there were long gas lines everywhere. Well, at the time, I thought it would be in bad taste to post an ad idea like this, so I have waited until now. The idea for this spot is that the Smart Car gets such great gas mileage, when people waiting in the gas line in their car run out of gas, the person in the Smart Car begins picking them up, one-by-one, and shuttling them to and from their stalled-out cars to get gas at the gas station.

This would not work so well as an ad for an electric car, because the power lines were down, and nobody had electricity. I believe most people waiting in the gas lines at the time were there to get gas for their generators more than anything else. And with a generator needed to run the house’s electricity, I doubt it would charge an electric car too. But you know, the gas mileage of the Smart Car is not nearly as good as I expected it to be, so maybe it wouldn’t be any more dishonest to show an electric car, like the Nissan Leaf, doing this very same thing, but basically in a gas shortage situation unrelated to a power outage situation, like the gas shortages during the Carter Administration. If the California oil refineries were damaged in an earthquake, for example, gas might become scarce, and it might lead to rationing, and presented as a fictional but possible scenario, it might make for a good disaster movie vignette-turned electric car commercial.

Depend Rolling Stones (Joke) Ad

Remember how back in the old days of rock n’ roll, some women used to throw their underwear up on stage? Well now that the Rolling Stones are getting a bit older, how about a commercial for Depend undergarments where an elderly lady fan of theirs throws a pair of Depends up on stage during a concert? Then Mick Jagger could hold it up for the crowd and say: “To whomever threw this pair of Depends, thank you! We’re getting to the age nowadays where we may just need them soon.”

New Republican Youth Strategy?

It is well known that young people are mostly liberal, so it’s difficult for Republicans to gain a foothold with this constituency. But recent developments have given Republicans a new inroad possibility. School kids hate the new “healthy” school food mandated by the Democrats, and this is something that affects young people every day. So why not have the Republicans try to win over young voters early, before they’re even allowed to vote, by saying: “The Republican Party: We won’t make you eat that yucky health crap!”

Hey, it’s one of the only issues that might allow Republicans to connect with young Americans, so they really ought to take advantage of it! All they’d have to do is say something like: “Think government mandated school lunches are hard to swallow? Wait until you get out of school and have to stomach government meddling in every other aspect of your life! Vote Republican, and remove the bitter taste of the Nanny State ninnies!”

(Of course, with Republicans, you get a whole other can of worms intruding into your lives and restricting other behavior, but that’s another story… Plus, it doesn’t make sense to publicize a party’s negative characteristics in their big sell. Everyone will find out about that stuff later anyway if they vote them in.)

Here are a couple of news stories illustrating the yucky school lunch issue:

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/10/06/nyregion/healthier-school-lunches-face-student-rejection.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2012/09/28/nutritious-school-lunches-or-the-new-hunger-games.html

Middle Finger Sandwiches

Yes, it’s the catering company that makes disgusting finger sandwiches and more for meetings with detested business partners, parties with annoying people, lunches for auditors, etc. Whenever you wish to appear courteous and friendly but want to punish your enemies in a way that puts the blame on someone else, call the catering chefs at Middle Finger Sandwiches! We’ll provide you with a spread that will produce whatever unpleasant reaction you desire for your “guests”; from awful combinations like peanut butter, mustard and relish, or sardine and jam sandwiches, to rancid mixed nuts, to laxative-treated desserts, you’ll always have the last laugh when you call the experts at Middle Finger Sandwiches!

For the best in stomach-churning cuisine, it’s got to be Middle Finger Sandwiches!

So when you must entertain or host your most hated enemies and/or rivals, “Give Them the Finger™: Middle Finger Sandwiches!”

The Necrophilicon

Yes, it’s the lesser-known companion volume to the far more popular Necronomicon: the Necrophilicon: It’s the Kama Sutra for necrophiles! Who knows why it’s so much less popular, but with zombie romance movies like Warm Bodies becoming more prominent in popular culture, surely it won’t be long before everyone’s interest is stirred for the Necrophilicon.

Mitsubishi Outlander Sport Snooty-Smashing Ad

In this spot for the Mitsubishi Outlander Sport, the announcer tells us that luxury doesn’t have to be snooty, and that’s why Mitsubishi redesigned the Outlander Sport. (Apparently the previous model was really snooty and pretentious and they got a lot of complaints about it, so they had to redesign it.) And then the SUV, driving around in the desert somewhere (?), drives into a triangular stack of champagne glasses and a crystal chandelier. And then they say it’s the winner of an IIHS safety award.

Well, at least we know now that we’ll be safe if someone lowers a chandelier down from an overpass and we crash into it, or if we need to drive through a wall made of champagne glasses, we will escape unscathed! But even more than bashing snootiness and exhibiting its safety in this scenario, it really makes me think the car has crappy brakes and steering; because even out in the open of the desert, it still couldn’t manage to steer around the chandelier or stop in time to avoid hitting the stack of champagne glasses. And it seems to me it would come across as more of a safe car if it could avoid the collisions to begin with. (You see, when you watch this commercial with the sound off, like I just did on TV, you don’t get the anti-snooty message so much as it just seems like the car can’t help but smash into stuff, even with a wide expanse of openness to drive around in.)

And isn’t it pretentious of them to claim they are unpretentious? (Just kidding.)

Here’s the snooty-smashing SUV spot:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H4Wkrj_PftY

Crown Royal Maple Chainsaw Massacre Ad?

I just saw a commercial for Crown Royal Maple where they suggest a tree dulled the blades of countless axes and wore down every lumberjack who tried to chop it down. Well, I’ll bet I know how to cut it down: use a chain saw!

And so this would obviously be the entry ad for the new Texas Chain Saw Massacre Whiskey, the new (supposedly superior) competitor of Crown Royal Maple. It slices through poseurs and wooden actors to get to the pulp of the party! Only a “jerky” person wouldn’t prefer it! (Because they were killed and made into meat jerky by Leatherface, and as such, they have no opinion on whiskey preference.)

Sadly, I cannot seem to find this Crown Royal Maple TV spot online to give you a link. But you’ll see it on TV if you watch The Daily Show and Colbert on Comedy Central.

German Gold and Goldfinger

About two weeks ago, I read a story about how Germany wants its gold bullion reserves back from the United States and France. Well, seeing as how far in debt we are, I wanted to see if I could think of an excuse to keep the gold. But it wasn’t until tonight, when I saw again the wonderful Ealing comedy The Lavender Hill Mob that I figured out how.

Why don’t we just say the movie Goldfinger was really a documentary, but that America changed the ending so we wouldn’t be embarrassed? And so Goldfinger stole all the gold, and that’s why they can’t have it back. And that explains why America is broke too, if anyone asks. (It’s not government overspending: it was Goldfinger!)

Hey, it would be a lot easier than saying they owe us for war reparations and the Marshall Plan, right? (Although those might be legitimate reasons right there. But they’re not nearly as much fun.)

iPhone Table Tennis Dream Ad

In this fun spot for Apple’s iPhone, the announcer is having a dream where he’s beating the Williams sisters at table tennis. And that makes me wonder, will they make a follow-up commercial featuring Victoria Azarenka, and have her take a medical timeout when she starts losing to the announcer? (Like she did with Sloane Stephens in the Australian Open final.) That might be fun.

Here’s the ping pong paddling:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26tqm6-PZFo

And here’s an article about the match:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sport/tennis/article-2267424/Australian-Open-2013-Victoria-Azarenka-beat-Sloane-Stephens-6-1-6-4.html

The Moral of “The Avengers”

I watched The Avengers for the first time last week, and although I didn’t notice it initially, I believe I now understand the secret agenda of The Avengers. I realized it while watching The Colbert Report last night. You see, Stephen had on some global warming guy who is pragmatic about energy stuff, and he said the green energy technologies simply aren’t efficient enough to produce enough energy for our needs, and limiting our usage isn’t realistic either, so we must use natural gas and nuclear energy. And then it hit me: This is what the moral of the movie The Avengers is!

Seriously, think about it: What happens in The Avengers? Well, Tony Stark creates a self-sustaining energy source for his building, and it attracts Loki to use it to open a portal for invaders from another dimension to attack and conquer Earth. See? It’s trying to say that sustainable energy will destroy the Earth and humanity despite being well-meaning. (I’m pretty sure that’s what they were trying to say, right? Because that’s what the story does say, sort of. Because while they have superheroes in the movie to defeat the invaders, we don’t have them in our reality, and so how will we fight off the wrath of gods and alien invaders when they come through the new green energy technologies? {And they will come: oil industry spokespersons told me so! And why would they lie?})

But I think I know why Hollywood is trying to discredit alternative, self-sustaining energy sources: Yes, without our dirty energy stuff like oil and gas, how will they be able to blow up cars and trucks in huge fireballs in their movies? You can’t do that with windmills and solar panels and electric cars, can you? Of course you can’t! And that’s why Hollywood is trying to destroy green energy! (You know it’s true!)

(Just kidding! But you can read the movie that way if you want to: there is plenty of evidence for this thesis. {Yes: going to college taught me how to argue bullsh!t as truth.} Just think about it: the first self-sustaining energy source, and it nearly brings Earth to ruin? What else could it mean?)

NYC Mayor Bloomberg Requires Drug Dealers Sell Only 3 Days-Worth of Drugs to Addicts

In an addendum to his new requirement that NYC hospitals provide only three days-worth of pain meds to patients, Mayor Bloomberg said that New York City drug dealers must now limit their addict customers to three days-worth of hard drugs or else face fines and penalties. “We know that illegal drugs are the life blood of this city, but surely we can be more responsible about them, right?” said hizzonah the mayor.

Drug Dealers are very appreciative of the mayor’s new hospital law, saying they expect lots more business thanks to limitations on legal pain meds, and for this reason, they will mostly try to obey the new strictures of illegal drugs distribution. “Hey, the mayor is trying to help us make more money, so we’re going to help him. Of course, maybe you’ll never know about it, but we’ll do all we can. So support your local drug dealer: Mayor Bloomberg is!” said the NYC drug dealer representative, wearing a balaclava.

Here’s the stoned story:

http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2013/jan/11/ny-mayor-bloomberg-limit-pain-medication-hospitals/

(BTW: This is obviously just a joke, but this new policy will probably really boost the illegal drug market, worsening countless drug habits and enriching drug cartels and organized crime. But what worries me most is the 80-year-old woman who has no insurance and breaks her hip, or the uninsured cancer patient, who can now only get three days-worth of pain relief: surely there must be an exception for them, yes? Otherwise, this is tantamount to torture. No, really; because how are they supposed to get back to the emergency room every three days? This isn’t a “gotcha” question, this is a real issue. And I doubt he has the legal right to tell doctors what to do in health issues anyway, but I guess he thinks he does: busybody.)

Record Surfing: Waves on Steroids

Yes, reportedly Garrett McNamara, and American surfer, rode a world record wave 100 ft. high in Portugal. Someone said this area of Portugal naturally creates “waves on steroids”. (Sorry, I can’t remember who said it, though.)

Well, no sooner than that was spoken, Travis Tygart said he was going to ban these waves for life from the ocean! “There is no place in sports for cheating waves that are on steroids. What kind of example does that send to all the little waves and swells? Of course they’re going to go hang around outside of sewage treatment plants near sports facilities to try to absorb as many steroids as possible, believing this will give them the artificial strength they need to become record-breaking monster waves. But this will only cheat legitimate monster waves of their naturally-occurring greatness.”

But this does not necessarily make McNamara a cheater too, says Tygart: “He didn’t necessarily know that this wave was on steroids, so we can’t be too quick to judge him.

But if the wave claims he was part of a conspiracy to help him ride the biggest wave, then he too will be banned from cycling. Um, I mean, surfing.”

Here’s the story:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/sport/2013/jan/29/surfer-garrett-mcnamara-100ft-wave

Walk Softly and Carry a Big Stick

There was a news story today about a high wire walker who walked over Sarasota, Florida today. They showed a picture of him walking carefully on the tightrope and holding that big stick for balance. And that’s when it hit me: that must be what Teddy Roosevelt really meant when he said: “Walk softly and carry a big stick”! He wasn’t referring to diplomacy or foreign policy; he was talking about walking on a tightrope!

Hey, we all know (or at least we all ought to know) that Teddy Roosevelt was a daring and complex man who enjoyed all kinds of challenges. So, then, it’s only natural that he would be a tightrope walking man! (I mean, right?) So he must have walked a tightrope over the Panama Canal, and that’s why he built the thing to begin with! And biased historians have twisted his quote to mean something else that brainwashes us into thinking he was a passive-aggressive negotiator. But really, he was just a man who regretted never running away and joining the circus. (I’m sure Doris Kearns Goodwin will back me up on this, right Doris?)

Oh, and here’s the teddy tightrope tale:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2270342/Tightrope-walker-Nik-Wallenda-conquers-death-defying-feat-walking-200ft-Florida-crowds-net.html

Too Tragically Hip (Clothiers)

I was at a gallery opening recently where everyone was just too tragically hip. So I mentioned that to someone, and they said: “Hey, that should be a clothing line: Too Tragically Hip!” And I thought that the advertising should have the models look like murdered corpses (wearing the great clothes) in a chalk outline with police photographers taking their picture.

PBS Downton Abbey Ads

Yes, you know you can’t escape advertising anymore, not even on PBS!

Even tonight they broke into the engagement kiss between Lady Mary and that fake blonde guy she married to get her rightful inheritance, um, I mean, Matthew Crawley, her dearest love (from a Season 2 repeat)!

And why did they do such a thing? Why, just to solicit us for some filthy lucre! The nerve! (Why not ask Lady Crawley for it? She’s rolling in dough again, isn’t she? We’re all poor, or else we wouldn’t be so fascinated with them, right?)

But if they’re going to hit us up for money, then why not do it right? After all, PBS already shows ads anyway, don’t they? So why not simply get product advertising for the show that’s appropriate for Downton Abbey? Here are some suggestions:

Downton Abbey, sponsored by Rolls Royce: Rolls over peasants in style!

And by Purdey Shotguns: No birdie is safe from a Purdey!

And by Murphy Oil Soap: It isn’t real clean unless you put your back into it!

(Yes, even I, your humble correspondent, have been drawn into the clutching carnivorous catacombs of Downton Abbey. And if I’ve been snared, how long have the rest of you got left? Quick: Run! Save yourselves! Soon they’ll be shilling for the poison Mrs. Bates used to kill herself!)

The Threat of Audiophile Coffins

Yes, some companies are actually offering coffins that have stereos built into them. But is this such a good idea? Surely these must run on batteries, right? But when the batteries die, won’t the dead rise from their graves seeking revenge? Oh my God! So this is how the zombie apocalypse will start! I knew it!

But if they’re going to offer musical caskets, then why not offer taste-specific brands?

Here are some possibilities:

Ca-Coffin-y (like Cacophony): For punk, metal and hip hop fans

Groovy Graves: For hippies and folk rock fans

Country Coffins: For country music fans

Classical Caskets: For opera and classical music fans

Here’s a recent story about this very real threat to humanity:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2248071/20-000-coffin-plays-music-loop-loved-ones-listen-tunes-afterlife.html

Assault Knives

In anticipation of a new assault rifle ban, the American knife industry has been developing a new automatic assault knife for killers affected by the upcoming gun ban. The new so-called “machine knife” has multiple blades that stab in sequence, so all an assailant has to do is stab the victim once, pull the trigger, and the knife does the rest. A spokesperson for the knife industry said they have been working on this for a while now, not because of the probable gun control policy, but because they’re tired of the sexism of the slasher movies they grew up with, and that it’s about time there was a big murder knife that anyone could easily use, especially women. (See? It’s really just about gender equality after all!)

Also, the archery industry is developing a working version of the automatic machine crossbow used in the movie: Van Helsing. “Let’s see them try to ban this!” said the archery executives. But Kung Fu weapons company spokesmen cautioned them that nunchucks are already illegal, even though they’re just two sticks with a string in the middle, so the government could ban even the silliest thing, so they shouldn’t attract unwanted attention.

American Military Spending

I just read in The New Yorker that American military spending is more than all other countries combined. (I keep hearing another statistic, like more than the next 17 or so countries combined?) But how are they arriving at this conclusion? I mean, they aren't counting all the weapons and military aid we're giving to other countries, right? I mean, that's not for our military, so surely that doesn't count, right? It really ought to be just for what we spend on our military. All the rest is just to be sporting for when we fight them later, isn't it? I know it's our money, but it's not really the same, is it? So I hope it doesn't count. Because we really ought not to be spending more than the next 20 or so countries combined, because that might seem, oh, I don't know, maybe a bit excessive? (Not that we don't need it, though, I'm sure. I've seen Battleship and those G.I. Joe movies, and those aliens and COBRA seem pretty dangerous. We've got to be ready when they strike!)

DCI Banks

DCI Banks: An object lesson in how not to run a police department homicide squad.

Wow: Have you seen DCI Banks? That show is hilarious! Everyone is always doing the most unbelievably wrongheaded things imaginable, and they still don't get fired. Ridiculous!

Anyone who has seen this show knows how it's trying hard to be a melding of the British police procedural mystery series and the crappy soap opera stuff they started doing in the CSI shows to try to keep people watching after the novelty had worn off and the interesting stories ran out. (You know, they're all alcoholics or gambling addicts or secret murderers or being stalked by their violent exes who cannot be arrested for unreasonable reasons, etc. Oh, except for the boss, who is sparkling clean, but someone in internal affairs wants to bust them anyway because they seem too clean, or maybe just to get a promotion and an opportunity to gloat, like the guy who finally busted Lance Armstrong. And for all we know, couldn't Mr. Orange Hair Pretentious Sunglasses guy be hiding something?)

Oh, but in DCI Banks, they're all either corrupt, incompetent, or just plain violating ethics and protocol all the time, even the bosses (!). In fact, in the most recent episode, the boss guy is guilty of corruption and commits suicide, and he gets DCI Banks to break all the rules to find his daughter, who ends up dead at home eventually anyway. And Banks could be fired or imprisoned, but he's not, because they are all corrupt or incompetent, and anyone who arrests him could find themselves busted the same day from what everyone else knows about their misbehavior. So it's like a big implied blackmail scheme they all call "loyalty". I'm sure the writers are trying to be "real", but I hope this is nothing like real life!

I mean, in one episode, a woman detective, who tried to bust her own colleagues when they were innocent in the previous episode, has sex with a murder suspect, she lies about it, and to cover her tracks, she goes to talk to the murderer, and he almost kills her (!!). And she does not even get reprimanded for this? And after the murderer gets away, DCI Banks says it's unlikely that they will ever find him again. But they must not be looking very hard, because I found him Friday night on another PBS TV show called: Shakespeare Uncovered, where he is playing MacBeth (another Murderer!) in a stage adaptation of MacBeth on the London stage (!!!). He's in another show on the same network: How lazy can you get?

And in the next episode, they hire a serial killer to be their forensic pathologist, and she gets to alter the evidence. Well, she commits suicide at the end, but from what we've seen of everyone else's behavior, she probably would have been allowed to stay had she lived.

Now, obviously, if you've seen the show, they always catch the bad guy in the end (except for that one time...), but that's just because it's written that way in the script. If this were a real police department, they would never solve any crimes, because they would be too busy arguing and accusing each other of stuff, or contaminating evidence, or abusing suspects, etc. But hey: maybe they would at least get away with it all, right? And maybe they could just railroad someone they don't like who knows their corrupt secrets. There you go!

Boy, what a silly show! Give me Agatha Christie retreads over this crap any day!

Geico "When Pigs Fly" Ad

This is the one where the pig is flying on the plane, and the flight attendants ask him to turn off his word game (a little Alec Baldwin joke there), and the pig brags about his super-slick Geico smartphone app, and one of the flight attendants is incredulous, saying: "I'll believe that when pigs fly." Oh, and then the pig gets offended at the politically incorrect statement, making this one a callback to the insulted cavemen ads.

Is this one called "Pigs on a Plane?" Where's Samuel L. Jackson screaming: "I have had it with this motherf*ckin' pig on this mother*ckin' plane!" Oh, if only they had dressed him up as a flight attendant for this ad! (Maybe next time?)

But what I'd like to know is this: Why didn't the pig go "Wee, wee, wee!" all the way home? (Or isn't he flying home?) That could have punished the flight attendants for their insulting political incorrectness. Oh, but they could have gotten revenge by acting like this was a terroristic threat and had everyone incapacitate the pig for the remainder of the flight, after which they get our Geico pig put on a no-fly list. Then they could say to each other at the end of the spot: "Let's see pigs fly now!"

Here's the pig on the plane:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-r4Z1K_LDc

Cosmopolitan Las Vegas "Luck Be A Lady" Ad?

Whenever I hear that song: "Luck Be A Lady", for some reason I can't help but think of the Indianapolis Colts hazing their new quarterback Andrew Luck by making him dress up in women's clothes and dumping him on the strip in Las Vegas. So then Luck could walk into the Cosmopolitan Hotel, and there would be so much silly stuff going on there, nobody would even notice. So then Luck would get invited to a party in someone's hotel room there, and he'd make all kinds of fun new friends, and when he makes it back to the football team's hotel, he can tell them: "You guys missed a great time at the Cosmopolitan Las Vegas!"

Progressive Peer Pressure Ad

This TV spot for Progressive Insurance has Flo acting like a drug dealer trying to peer pressure some guy into trying their Snap Shot plan. So what, is Flo going to peer pressure him into doing drugs next?

A-Ha! So, this is their dastardly plan! And once they have broken us down with peer pressure so we'll do anything, they'll get us hooked on drugs! And then, when we wreck our cars because we're high, they'll use the fact that we're on drugs as an excuse to not pay the claim. And in this way, they'll make triple the money: money from the premiums, money from the drugs, and money from not paying out any claims. Think of all the money they'll make!

Wow, it's a perfect business model, isn't it?

(Or at least, this is what this ad seems like they're planning to do, doesn't it?)

Here's the progressive peer pressure piece:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rA_f_hypNls

Topless Protesters

It has become a fad lately for attractive women in Europe to stage topless protests about lots of social issues. But are they sure they're actually doing their causes any good? Because it is possible that older men in positions of power could decide to crack down on liberties even further in the hopes of seeing more boobies. And it's also possible that even news reporters could print fake news stories about social injustices in the hopes of getting to attend more of these topless protests.

If they really want to get the social reforms they crave, they could get a bunch of fat men to stage topless protests. I'd think all those hairy man-boobs just might do the trick to get the governments to cave in on their demands.

World's Happiest Countries Lists

There were two different lists recently of the world's happiest countries, one with Norway at #1, and the other with Colombia at #1. Apparently the United States did not top either list. But I think it's possible to get us back to the top of these lists!

Why not write a bunch of newspaper articles claiming all these happiest countries were disparaging and denigrating each other and stuff, and then report that fighting has broken out between them? Then these countries might believe it, and they'd start wars with each other. (William Randolph Hearst did this sort of thing once or twice, I think.)

Then America could sell them all weapons. And the next thing you know, all those happiest countries would be miserable, and America would be the happiest country in the world again! (Because we would be the only country not fighting a war over who is the happiest.)

Jeremy Abbot Disqualified from US Figure Skating Championships

Jeremy Abbot was disqualified from the US Figure Skating Championships and banned from figure skating for pointing a finger gun at the audience at the end of his short program. We all know about the gun control debate and all the spree shootings lately, so he must have traumatized the crowd for life when he brandished his hand, shaped into a gun shape, at them. What a monster! Kids have been getting kicked out of school for this same kind of behavior, and what kind of an example would that set for our children if we allowed our sports heroes to get away with doing the same thing?

Hey, kids imitate sports figures' behavior, you know!

He was also charged with wearing dangerous blades on the bottoms of his boots, and may be charged with planning to cut people up with them.

Shame on this guy for terrorizing everyone this way!

(BTW: If you think this sounds stupid, then why not stop treating school kids like this when they are playing? They're not real guns; they're just fingers. And they're probably not even loaded.)

Values "The Greatest" Optimism Ad

Okay, here's another one of these "(Stated Value): Pass It On" ads, and while I like their overall concept here for this campaign, this particular TV spot speaks volumes to me, and it's mostly not what they're trying to say. You might want to watch it first, so here it is:

http://www.values.com/inspirational-stories-tv-spots/99-The-Greatest

So now we're all on the same page, at least in what we've seen. And it's a cute little boy, right? Well, this scenario tells me something different than what they seem to want to say. So let's start at the beginning:

He sure gives up quickly, doesn't he? In a baseball game, if he struck out, would he just quit the team and go home, refusing to play again? It kind of seems like it. I'm not sure how optimistic this kid really is, so much as he's unrealistic and unprepared.

Also, the braggadocio is ridiculously out of proportion with his abilities. Is that because of the hippie children's upbringing books, the new school policies where everyone is declared a winner regardless of performance, or does he listen to too much rap music from the 1990s? It just seems to me that maybe he ought to learn how to do stuff before he claims to be the best at it, especially in the whole world. (Baseball is very popular in other countries, so for a kid to have a better chance to really be the best in the world, try a sport that's only played in America. Like maybe {American} Football, or Jackass-type stunts for YouTube.)

I have heard of studies that show our school kids here in America are scoring lower and lower on tests versus the kids from other countries, but apparently they are the most confident of any country's children; and this ad shows me the negative side of that fact: the kid is bombastic but completely incompetent. (I understand this is just supposed to be a cute ad, but this is what I read into it based upon a lot of current cultural stuff here in America, and maybe they ought to think of that before they make their ad. Surely there must be a better manner in which to communicate this idea of passing on optimism! Like maybe his older brother is with him, tells him to practice before he brags, and when the kid looks dejected, his older brother tells him: "Don't worry: with hard work and practice, you really might become the best hitter in the world!" And maybe that could help dispel this immediate gratification thing that seems to be all the rage now but is extremely unrealistic.)

And lastly, the thing this ad makes me think of is not: "Optimism: Pass It On!", it's: "Steroids: Pass 'Em Out!" Because I can't help but think of performance-enhancing drugs these days, what with all the scandals lately, and this ad seems to be showing a kid who needs, shall we say, some "help" to get the abilities he wants to exhibit. (Okay, honestly, this is the first thing I thought of. The rest came afterwards.)

Thoroughly Modern Milli Vanilli

Well, Thoroughly Modern Millie is on TCM tonight, and after all the publicity for Beyoncé’s “Lip-synch-gate”, I was hoping some snarky reporter would write the headline “Thoroughly Modern Milli Vanilli” due to the lip-synching “scandal”. No dice, though, at least as far as I’ve seen.

But there is a feminist blog called Thoroughly Modern Millie Vanilli. But with such a name, I have to wonder if they’re just pretending to be feminists, and it’s all written by men. That way, the name would at least make sense, what with the whole Milli-Vanilli-not-really-singing-the-songs thing. (I wonder if these blog people have thought of that? Cute name, though.)

This is Milli Vanilli, for you young ’uns who might not get the reference:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Milli_Vanilli

Viagra “Die Hard” Tie-In Ads?

It has always seemed to me that the movie series Die Hard simply begs for a Viagra tie-in campaign, especially now that Bruce Willis is getting older. Plus, there’s a whole litany of adverse side effect warnings in the Viagra ads, so you could totally Die Hard after taking it. And they have to warn us about that in the ads anyway, so why not try to make it seem cool and desirable? And there could be a tie-in ad to go with each movie, too, like so:

For the original movie Die Hard, things are looking bad for our cop hero John McClane, and as he is being chased and shot at by terrorists, he happens to run into a room where a sexy lady in a skimpy dress is hiding, and she runs to cling to him. Then he turns to the camera and says: “Hey, if I’m gonna die, I might was well Die Hard!” And then the slogan is: “Viagra lets you Die Hard!”

Then for the next one, Die Hard 2, our hero is being chased down by villains, and he runs into a room where someone is filming a porno movie, and our hero tells them they’re about to be killed, and the guys making the porno movie say: “Well, at least we’ll Die Hard!” And John McClane says: “And it looks like I’ll Die Hard 2!”

Then, for Die Hard with a Vengeance, John McClane is having an affair with some married woman, and her husband wants revenge. So he slips into our hero’s hotel room and steals all his Viagra pills and takes an overdose in a drink with his wife’s fingerprints on the glass, and with John McClane’s empty bottle of Viagra hidden in the trash. So he Dies Hard with a Vengeance, and our heroic couple must hide the evidence and avoid being arrested and charged with his murder. And then the ad warns us about how Viagra can cause some, um, negative side effects, etc., but also reminds us that had this cuckolded man been taking Viagra, his wife never would have cheated on him to begin with.

Next, for Live Free or Die Hard, a good friend of John McClane is railroaded for a crime, and he is faced with life imprisonment for a crime he didn’t commit. So when a sexy woman who is part of the conspiracy to railroad him shows up to taunt him, he takes an overdose of Viagra, indicating that he will Live Free or Die Hard. And when the cops find him, they figure he must have been with a woman who killed him, and in looking around, they find evidence everywhere to indict the nefarious do-badders and bring them to justice, proving that Viagra is a force for good, and it’s the best revenge to Die Hard!

And finally, in this latest chapter of the action series that never gets old (unlike its star): A Good Day to Die Hard, our hero is kidnapped by a cult of supermodel assassins who are sworn to kill him after flirting with him and using him as a living sex toy. So McClane pops a Viagra or two, turns to the camera, and says: “It looks like A Good Day to Die Hard!” Then the announcer says: “It’s always A Good Day to Die Hard! And that’s why there’s Viagra: to be sure that all men can Die Hard!”

Hey, if you’re going to die, you might as well Die Hard! That’s what I, and the pharmaceutical industry, always say! (Okay, they don’t say it. But I do!)

And if these ads don’t work, they can always try a new campaign where dead men are found by investigators, and they all make fun of the corpses for being flaccid. So to avoid being ridiculed after death, make sure that you always take Viagra so you can Die Hard!

Couch Potato Colognes

We have a lot of couch potatoes here in this country, and being couch potatoes, they tend not to do much in the way of activities. But the health bullies are getting on their cases to try to force them to become active against their will. But fear not, lazy couch potatoes: help is on the way!

That’s right, in order to trick the health bullies into thinking that couch potatoes are actually engaged in productive activities, I have developed a new line of activity colognes which simulate the smell of having done something active and useful. So when you see people who want to force you into activity, now you can apply this cologne beforehand, and they will smell it and believe you have been busy doing stuff.

Here is the current selection of activity-related fragrances:

Gone Fishing

Working on the Car All Day

Skeet Shooting

Jogging Sweat

Sailing/Sea Breeze

A Day at the Gym (Now with Extra Body Odor!)

That’s Couch Potato Activity Colognes: another product from Potato Skins™, the fashion brand for couch potatoes! Order yours today! You don’t even have to get up off the couch to get it!

BTW: Here is my previous post where I suggest the fashion brand Potato Skins™:

http://unconditionedresponse.blogspot.com/2012/08/potato-skins-clothing-brand-for-couch.html

Pinot Egregio

How about a high-alcohol wine for all the hard drinkers out there who aren’t yet sold on the whole wine thing? It could be called Pinot Egregio (short for ‘egregious’), and it could have way too much alcohol in it, and guaranteed to give you a hangover. Hey, come to think of it, maybe it’s the perfect wine to use for getting people who like wine too much to consider maybe drinking less wine.

Jeff Ross “The Burn” Promo Ad

In this promo for the (wonderfully fun) Comedy Central show The Burn, Jeff Ross says he’s like a bird, because he sh!ts on people when they least expect it. (Sorry if I am paraphrasing: I can’t seem to find this ad online.)

But he’s also like a bird in other ways he fails to mention. Like, for example, he has a pronounced beak, and he is well known for laying an egg from time to time.

(Sorry, Jeff: I’m a fan, but you don’t seem to get as much as you give. So there you go.)

Japanese Medicare

A Japanese minister has gotten heat for saying old people should “hurry up and die”. But that’s nothing compared to the guy he beat out for the job! That guy suggested that elderly patients who are being given life-extending medical treatments at the government’s expense should be tortured in order that they make the right decision about whether or not they really want to live. “If we’re going to pay for it, the least they could do is suffer for it, and give us all good entertainment”, said the guy who is not the minister guy who is in trouble. So as you can see, things could be worse for Japanese old people.

But from what I understand, this current minister guy who is currently in trouble is in fact a big fan of the movie Logan’s Run, and as such, he is considering implementing the “Carousel” in Japan. And if reports are true, Michael York, the hero of that movie, has agreed to be the first elderly person to be “renewed” in the Carousel, just to set a good example for everyone else. (Of course, Mecha-Ustinov opposes this euthanasia program, so he’ll definitely attack Japan in a flying saucer while wearing those cool alien uniforms from Invasion of Astro-Monster {Monster Zero in America} if they decide to implement it. But Godzilla is expected to defend Japan from the alien menace, as usual, so no worries there. And maybe they can even get Godzilla to atomize all their burdensome elderly. In fact, maybe that can be the next Godzilla movie: Godzilla Vs. The Threat of the Ancient Ones.)

Here’s the toxic tale:

http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/headlines/2013/01/top-japanese-official-urges-elderly-to-hurry-up-and-die/

Manti Te’o Interview

Yes, Manti Te’o was interviewed by Katie Couric, and when asked about why he didn’t tell the truth about the hoax even after he found out about it, he said: “Well, our government officials never tell the truth about anything, and you guys never do anything about it, so I thought I would get away with it too. After all, sports is way less important than scandals and corruption and wars and stuff, right? In fact, how come you’re not asking about Benghazi or the renewed Islamist militancy in Africa or the national debt? Isn’t that stuff more important than this?”

Okay, he didn’t say that. But he should have. This hoax thing is silly, but nobody was killed except for a fictitious girlfriend, and she came back to life again later. But when our government officials majorly screw things up or get caught in lies and political chicanery, they always get away with it. Oh, and all the Wall Street bankers get to steal our tax money after they kill so many jobs and swindle people out of their homes, and the government does nothing about it. So why would our kids ever get the idea that cheating and lying and fraud is wrong when all their role models get away with it? Ask yourself that the next time you are making excuses for the politicians you support.

I mean, even Lance Armstrong was protected by pretty much everyone until his teammates were bullied enough to get mad enough to come forward just to finally get even, and Te’o is a sports guy. How is he supposed to learn that lying is wrong when someone makes hundreds of millions of dollars doing it? Maybe the press should do its job, rather than just schmoozing with who they are supposed to be investigating. Don’t you think so?

Here’s the scandalously spurious sports story:

http://abcnews.go.com/US/manti-teo-tells-katie-couric-hoax-emotions-real/story?id=18293500

Bambi Sequel: Bambi’s Revenge

We all know what happened to poor Bambi in the classic Disney movie, right? Mean old hunters killed his mom, and then someone burned down the forest! Well, now it’s payback time in the new sequel to Bambi: Bambi’s Revenge!

Yes, this time Bambi’s back, and he’s out for blood: infected blood, that is! Yes, Bambi recognizes that he can’t defeat hunters and humanity with muscle, so he’s going biological on us! That’s right: Bambi is carrying deer ticks that cause Lyme Disease (!), and that’s how he’s going to get revenge! And nobody will ever suspect his evil scheme!

Here’s his dastardly plan: He’ll have cute little fawn children, load them up with disease-ridden deer ticks, and send his kids into our yards, making us all think they’re so cute and adorable so we’ll go hug and pet them. Oh, but that’s just what he’s hoping we’ll do, because then all the horribly infected ticks will jump on us all and give everyone Lyme Disease, infecting humanity with an incurable disease! And so finally, Bambi will have his revenge!

Virginia Is For Lovers

Growing up with family from Virginia, I constantly encountered the Virginia tourism slogan: “Virginia is for lovers.” But seeing as how it’s called “Virginia”, shouldn’t that be amended to: “Virginia is for lovers, but only the ones who do not consummate their love. You know, like Platonic lovers.” Or perhaps simply: “Virginia is for Platonic lovers.” Or wouldn’t that be catchy enough?

Hey, I know: Maybe Virginia could be the premier destination for the abstinence crowd! And they could make extra money selling Virginia-branded purity rings. You know everyone would want one! And their tourism ads could rave: “It’s not truly abstinence unless it doesn’t happen in Virginia: the hip vacation spot for virgins!” Or maybe just a simple: “Virginia isn’t for lovers (because it’s VIRGINia!)” would work best.

Ken Kickass & Barbie Beatdown

Yes, you thought Barbie and Ken were just vapid fashionistas and attention whores; but what you didn’t know is that at night they fight crime as brutally vindictive vigilantes, making the world safe for vapid fashionistas and rich attention whores everywhere! (Okay, maybe not everywhere, but certainly within reach of the Barbie Dream RV, or whatever the hell they drive around in.) Because in a world full of impatient rage with empty-headed, rich celebutards, someone must protect these filthy rich, um, are they supposed to be stars or something (?), just in case some hungry unemployed guy tries to steal one of their many multiple-thousand-dollar purses or accessories. And why is that? Well, I think it’s because these people sell crap like that too, and if theirs got stolen, maybe other rich fashionistas wouldn’t buy their products anymore, and then they’d stop being quite as filthy rich. And we can’t have that, right? No! And posing as children’s dolls, nobody would ever expect Barbie and Ken were, in fact, the fearsome vigilante duo: Ken Kickass & Barbie Beatdown! (I mean, people might figure it out from their first names, but I never said they were smart about their vigilante names.)

Misadventure Time

There’s a show on Cartoon Network called Adventure Time. I have never watched it, but I keep hearing on the British news about people who suffer “death by misadventure”. So then, I thought maybe there could be a show called Misadventure Time, and it could show its characters dying in all these misadventurous ways, and warn their viewers not to do these types of things in real life. (It could be like a cartoon version of 1,001 Ways to Die, but with a regular cast of characters.)

Intermezzo Light Bulb Ad

In this commercial for the sleep aid Intermezzo, we see a lit light bulb trying to go to sleep in a bed that looks like it has flannel sheets on it. Um, wait: a lit light bulb lying in a bed with flannel sheets? That’s a fire hazard! Oh my God! Quick, get Intermezzo: It’s the only way to prevent house fires! And that’s why Intermezzo is the sleep aid recommended by most firefighters and by Smoky the Bear. (Okay, it’s not.)

But what a way to make us panic about insomnia, right? How about using a live grenade next time in your ads, and he’ll go off and kill everyone unless he gets his Intermezzo? Then we could have a grenade control debate for a change.

Here is the sleepy spot:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xTXVN22jvNI

BTW: From what I understand, this is the same stuff as Ambien. So why not use a car character like Lightning McQueen from Cars instead of this lightbulb? Then they could show him sleep-driving and not remembering it like I understand can be a side-effect of this medication. They could even use the early scenes from the movie Cars where Lightning McQueen and his transport truck are falling asleep on the highway and not change anything! Now wouldn’t that be fun?

Nissan Sentra “Click for a Light Show” Internet Ad

This horribly annoying Internet ad has a banner across the top of the page, as well as a box ad a little further down, and they both flash simultaneously black-white-black-white, etc., until the viewer gets mad and annoyed and develops a headache. It’s like a strobe light flashing at you while you’re trying to read. Hey, great!

I have covered this sort of thing before many times, so I’m not going to go deeply into it again now. But suffice it to say this: If your advertisement gives me a headache from annoying flashing, I am not going to buy the product. And I’d be willing to bet I am not the only one who thinks like this.

So please stop this stupid headache-inducing advertising strategy or you’ll shoot your sales in the foot. Oh, and people will hate the advertising agency too. But if that’s what you want, then keep it up. (Even the worst TV ads are great fun next to this kind of abusive Internet ad!)

BTW: I can’t comment on whether the “light show” part of the ad is any good or not, because it annoys me so much, I refuse to click on it and generate ad dollars for them. But had they not made it flash and give me a headache, I might have been interested. Oh well: their fault.

Gold Man

I was joking before about how it’s odd that Tony Stark, a super-rich tech guru guy, would want to be called Iron Man, rather than something like Platinum Man or Gold Man. But then I thought, of course, Gold Man must already be taken by someone else! And who else would be Gold Man but Oscar Goldman from The Six Million Dollar Man? (!!)

Yes, Oscar Goldman is Gold Man, heroic savior of the 1%! You see, Oscar Goldman was jealous of Steve Austin’s super powers from his bionics, but he didn’t want to have to amputate his limbs and stuff to get all those super abilities, so he crafted an Iron Man-like suit that has the bionics inside the metal armor stuff. And since Iron Man is too selfish and egotistical to help his fellow elite super-rich when they get themselves in trouble for crashing the world economy too many times and grabbing everything for themselves, Gold Man springs into action! (After all, they are too big to fail: Someone has to protect them!) But he always demands he get paid in gold for his services, which is really just a cover story to protect his secret identity, so that everyone will think he’s William Devane. After all, who could possibly guess that Gold Man would be a guy named Goldman? It’s, it’s just too obvious: no-one would ever think of it! That’s his genius!

Of course, a whole suit of armor made of pure gold would be too heavy to fight well in even with bionics, so he’s really just Gold-Plated Man. But don’t tell anyone. He’s really self-conscious about it.

Rust-Oleum Iron Man Ad?

When I was a kid, I always wondered why Iron Man was still named Iron Man when there were stronger metals out there than iron. Then I thought it might be appropriate to have Iron Man fight villains made from stronger metals, like Steel Man, Titanium Man, Platinum Man, etc., just to make it seem extra suspenseful. But when you think about it, there really is one especially good reason not to want to be Iron Man, and that would be rust.

So that got me thinking, how about using Iron Man for Rust-Oleum ads? He could fight some super villain named Salt Water Man, or Captain Corrosion, or The Oxidizer, or some such thing, and he could fight them and get all rusty and lose the first round. Oh, but then he goes home with his tail between his legs until he remembers about Rust-Oleum (!). So then he coats all his armor suit stuff with Rust-Oleum, and then he goes back to fight the villain again, and he cannot be hurt, damaged or corroded at all, and he defeats the perplexed villain, who cries at the end: “B-b-b-but you’re ‘Iron Man’: How could you possibly defeat me?” And Iron Man says: “That’s easy: I used Rust-Oleum!”

(But you know, if he was Stainless Steel Man or Platinum Man {After all, he’s supposed to be mega-rich, so what the hell? It’s like wearing bargain brand sunglasses, isn’t it, to be Iron Man, rather than Platinum Man? Or maybe he could be Gold Man, and do ads for Goldline and Rosland Capital. But as Gold Man, he’d probably be too heavy to fight, I’ll bet.}, he wouldn’t even have this rust issue, so isn’t he building in his own weaknesses? Or is this simply a trick to fool adversaries, and he’s really made of space-age polymers so he can never rust, and the villains will waste all their time trying to corrode his suit when it’s not even iron after all. Pretty sneaky! But then again, maybe it’s just that Iron Man sounds cooler than Carbon Graphite Man.)

Maaco Hulk Ad?

In watching The Avengers (Yes, it took me this long to see it.), I am reminded of all the Marvel comic books I grew up reading (and all the compilation books), and seeing these characters again reminds me of what advertising possibilities are being missed here. So here’s an idea for an ad for Maaco using The Incredible Hulk:

Bruce Banner turns into The Incredible Hulk, and he smashes a bunch of cars, saying: “Hulk smash!” Then the announcer says: “Uh oh, better get Maaco!” And then they say they’ll fix the damage fast, no matter what crazy stuff happens to your car, and at a price you can afford.

(And maybe they can even say that’s how Tony Stark fixed his car when The Hulk smashed it. And he could afford any auto repair shop, but he chooses Maaco! {Okay, that’s unrealistic, but then again, so are superheroes, and this is advertising we’re talking about, so there you are. [Could you see Maaco fixing a carbon graphite body McLaren? What would they use, Bondo?]})

El Pollo Loki?

I’m watching The Avengers tonight, and while thinking of this character Loki, I wondered if anyone had tried to use him as an advertising tie-in opportunity. And then I thought: Hey, how about an Avengers/El Pollo Loco tie-in using Loki? They could make a special dish called: “El Pollo Loki”, and they could say it’s “Tesseract-grilled for super-powerful flavor that’s out of this world!” Get it before The Other’s army of Chituari arrives and conquers the Earth! (And hey, how about marketing Chituari Chicken after the Chituari take over?)

The F-22 and The Avengers

As we know, Congress has cancelled the F-22. I know it was a ridiculously overpriced airplane that was intentionally designed to have parts made all over the place in practically every state in the union for the purpose of earmarks for re-election of incumbents, but hey: The Avengers used it to defeat Loki, right? How are we going to defeat Loki next time without F-22s? I mean, it’s like we’re practically inviting Loki here to try to conquer the Earth again. And you know, I’m surprised no-one in Congress used this argument to keep the F-22 afloat. Because we might as well keep making it, as we’re spending money we can never pay back anyway, so what’s the difference? Then we can use it to intimidate our creditors into not asking for their payments when they come due. Or is that what The Avengers are for? (That’s how I always avoid paying my credit card bills: The Avengers! Hey, maybe that can be the next Avengers movie: Fighting credit card companies for their predatory policies! {They must be controlled by Loki, the fiends!})

(Yes, I just saw The Avengers tonight for the first time. Hey, man: I’m too busy to see movies on time anymore, so get off my back!)

Bill Belichick Calgon Ad?

After the Ravens pecked the Patriots to defeat last night, New England Coach Bill Belichick apparently refused to grant a pre-scheduled post-game interview with CBS Sports. Well, knowing me, you know I'm going to have to try to turn this into an advertisement for something. So here's my silly idea for a Bill Belichick ad for Calgon, based upon his blowing off the CBS interview after last night's playoff loss:

We see the end of the AFC Championship game, with the Ravens defeating the Patriots, and with the Ravens all celebrating, and Tom Brady looking all sulky and depressed (like he always does whenever he loses a big game). Then the CBS football panel in the studio say: "We're going to go to Steve Tasker for a quick word with losing coach Bill Belichick; take it away Steve..." So then we cut to Steve Tasker on the field, waiting and looking for Bill Belichick, but he doesn't show up. Then CBS cuts to Shannon Sharpe, saying what he did about Bill Belichick's poor sportsmanship being unacceptable (I agree), and then we cut to Bill Belichick arriving at his home, walking into the house and into his bathroom (which has a big bathtub full of hot soapy water), saying: "Whenever I lose a game like this, after a long season of hard work, I've just got to get away from it all. I don't care what everyone thinks of me, I just have to get in the bathtub and soak my stress away." Then he starts to disrobe, saying: "Calgon: Take me away!" So in the next shot, we see Bill Belichick soaking in the tub with his eyes closed, looking peaceful, as a TV set in the background shows highlights of the Ravens' victory and interviews with players.

(BTW: Calgon makes bath stuff, and: "Calgon, take me away!" was their old advertising slogan. They used to make ads like this, but generally with women, and not with NFL coaches after season-ending big game losses.)

Here's the sad sportsmanship story:

http://www.usatoday.com/story/gameon/2013/01/20/bill-belichick-snubbed-cbs-after-patriots-loss/1850533/

Volkswagen Passat Air Drums Ad

This is the TV spot where some guy in business attire sits at a stoplight in a metropolitan area and plays air drums to the song: "Fly By Night" by Rush in his car. Then the guy is seen and laughed at by pedestrians crossing the street in front of him, and the announcer says: "Careful, you're no longer invisible in a midsize sedan. The Volkswagen Passat: The 2012 Motor Trend Car of the Year. That's the power of German engineering!"

So let me get this straight: It's this powerful German engineering that enables this guy to get noticed and ridiculed for playing air drums, right? Wow, that's some powerful engineering, that is. That would never happen in a Japanese car! And despite the auto bailouts, Detroit still hasn't managed to engineer a car that will get you picked-on and teased for embarrassing behavior like a German car does! And that's the power of German engineering! (Actually, I would have been more impressed if the pedestrians had been far more insulting, and the Passat driver had gunned the car and run them all over. Then they could have said: "The ability to chase down and crush those who malign and oppose you: That's the power of German engineering!" Or would that have reminded people of something else, perhaps?)

The problem with this ad for me is quite simply that there is a real disconnect between the scenario we see in the commercial and the slogan we hear at the end. They just don't work well together. See what I mean here? How about instead saying something more like: "The Volkswagen Passat: Careful, a car like this is bound to get you noticed! Motor Trend noticed it too when they made it their 2012 Car of the Year!" And just leave the "That's the power of German engineering" out of it for this one ad, because it just doesn't really fit when you're talking about someone getting busted and teased for playing air drums. (And in any case, isn't showing this scenario a reason to not want to buy this car? Haven't owners lodged constant complaints about how owning this car makes everyone ultra-critical of their every action? Maybe cheating spouses are getting caught with their lovers, criminals are getting identified by the cops and the public, people in witness protection are being recognized and rubbed out, etc., and all because this car is so brilliantly engineered that everyone immediately notices the car and its occupants. And if so, then wow, that really is some powerful engineering, because I didn't know it was even possible to do something like that!)

Here's the fly-by-night car commercial:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V57v_UlaZP0

Hey, maybe for the next TV spot in this campaign, they can show some novice actress getting noticed in her VW Passat picking her nose and eating it, and it could get filmed on iPhones and posted to YouTube, making her an instant blooper celebrity. Sound good? It certainly would effectively communicate the idea of the Passat getting its drivers noticed. (<Especially when they are doing embarrassing things they wouldn't want others to see.)

Sears Penguin-Abusing Appliances Ad

Well, Sears is in for it now. They got away with smashing romantic bloggers' heads in at the airport, but now they've gone and done it: they've stepped into animal-rights group and environmentalist territory now! And these animal/nature people don't give a hoot for people, but mess with an animal (even a GCI one), and your fake tofu goose is cooked! (Would that be a 'tofoose'?)

Yes, not only are they injuring (fake) penguins, but they're also harming (fake) walruses! (Walri?) I'm guessing they thought maybe people will start to become suspicious of them if they keep braining people with their appliances in ads, so they thought if they started doing it to animals instead, they would sell more stuff, since animals don't buy as many appliances as people do. But people don't cross hippie picket lines so much either, and they might just get a big protest from the animal rights groups (and maybe even from the CGI ones online)! I guess we'll have to see what happens.

Hey, if they still want things to run into their appliances for their ads, and they want people to like them for it, how about this: Show someone drunk driving or recklessly texting and driving, and they are about to run over a defenseless pedestrian, but then, all of a sudden, a heroic Sears appliance comes to the rescue by jumping in front of the car, and it saves the innocent pedestrian's life (!). Then they could still say the dumb line about running into great appliance deals (it being a really great appliance deal when it saves your life from a reckless driver!), and they would save lives at the same time, as well as reminding everyone about the dangers of drinking and/or texting and driving, so it would be like an ad and a PSA in one spot! (Yea!)

Then, if they insisted upon having animals bash into their appliances, why not have it be when a dangerously aggressive predator like a mountain lion is about to attack a defenseless child out walking in a natural environment: that way, they could still have an animal smash into their appliance, but it would be a good thing that saved a child, and as such, it would not seem like animal abuse (at least not to me, or to the child; however, PeTA is another story).

Here's the antarctic animal-abusing appliances advert:

http://www.ispot.tv/ad/7wxQ/sears-big-weekend-event-penguins

Dewar's The Drinking Man's Scotch Ad

In this spot for Dewar's Scotch, an actress named Claire Forlani acts all drunk and sexy for the camera, spouting drivel about drinking that makes her sound like a rather bad alcoholic. I think it's supposed to be seductive, but while she's pretty and everything, she makes me think of the kind of crazy alcoholic barfly woman who somehow looks good, but who you would seriously regret hooking up with or even engaging in conversation.

But she sure seems serious about her whisky, now doesn't she? But the way she's trying to seduce the viewer makes me think she might act that way with just anyone who might happen to be there, and if they reject her she lashes out and trashes the place, and that's why she's been banned from every bar in town and she has to drive past all these burned-out cars and chop-shop staff to this empty warehouse to drink.

Oh, and at the end of the spot, we hear some man's voice say something, after which she looks to her left, looks back at the camera, and says: "Go back to sleep, Angus darling." So, I'm guessing this is her long-suffering husband? So does he wake up every morning to find her passed out in a puddle of her own vomit, seeing as how she apparently likes to drink alone all night long every night? (Fun, fun, fun!)

Here is this seductively sh!tfaced Scotch spot:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=18w666p0hJY

But they require you to sign in to see this ad, so if you wish to avoid such annoyances, try this link, and play the clip in the article:

http://vintagelivingmagazine.wordpress.com/2012/11/03/dewars-the-drinking-mans-scotch-ads/

Also: Check out what some commenter on this Vintage Living Magazine article says about the bar in this warehouse. They say it looks a lot like the one from The Shining (!!). And it does, too. Which really underlines this crazy vibe I'm already getting from her in this commercial's performance. (Yikes!)

(Oh, and by the way, I'm only commenting on the character this actress seems to be playing in this ad, and not about the actress herself, who I don't recognize at all.)

Nike Novak Djokovic Ad?

Today Novak Djokovic won the Australian Open and celebrated by tearing his shirt off. Well, if I were an advertising creative for Nike (or any of a number of other tennis shirt brands), I might just use a picture of Novak ripping his shirt off today, and add the headline: "Novak, if you want a more comfortable tennis shirt, try Nike!"

Here's the sporting shirt story:

http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/tennis-busted-racquet/novak-djokovic-went-hulk-five-set-win-over-153928471--ten.html

And here's one with a video of the tennis titan's top-tearing title triumph:

http://news.uk.msn.com/blog/trending-blogpost.aspx?post=5eae89e7-9279-4964-b1d7-1b6ed21156f1

Novac Djokovic endorses and wears Uniqlo, a Japanese clothing brand. And I'm not trying to cast aspersions on their clothes, by the way; I'm simply having fun with the possibilities of using this picture of Djokovic for a silly Nike ad.

Here's an article about the band Novak wears, Uniqlo:

http://www.esquire.com/blogs/mens-fashion/novak-djokovic-uniqlo-052312

(Hmm, Uniqlo: It sounds kind of like "eunuch low".)

Bud Light 49ers Ad

This Bud Light commercial, the one that has a rabid 49ers fan visiting his old apartment because it's where he used to sit to watch the games the last time the 49ers were in the Super Bowl, is starting to look awfully prescient right about now, especially with the 49ers winning their playoff game today and making it into the Super Bowl. Yeah, the 49ers haven't been in the Super Bowl since 1995, and seeing as how this Bud Light ad has been running all football season, it sure seems like they must have known something about what was going to happen, doesn't it? Because who could have guessed the 49ers would make it into the Super Bowl this year? Wow!

Bud Light: The psychic football beer!

Here's the prognosticating promotional piece:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZx5HO_duec

And I guess that guy sitting in his old place didn't hurt.

(Oh, but maybe gamblers would drink it and get revenge if they didn't bet on the right team?)

Football Commentator Salutes to Great Players

Before every important NFL football game, each TV channel has a collection of commentators, many of them previous football greats, who speak glowingly about the great players from each team. (In this upcoming game on CBS, they have been talking about Ray Lewis and Tom Brady.) And they always talk about these players in terms like: "You can't beat a guy like that", or "You won't have a chance going up against him", etc.

Well, of course we won't be able to beat them if these commentators keep undermining our self-confidence like that! I mean, can't they be encouraging, just for once? Why not say: "This player is one of the greatest in NFL history: He is very tough to beat. But maybe today's the day that someone can beat him. I guess we'll see if you guys want it badly enough. Because, you know, I never cease to be amazed by the possibilities of the human spirit, and what optimistic, positive thinking can accomplish! So I guess we'll see."

But they never do say stuff like that, because they want us all to think we can't beat them.

NFL Broadcast Legal Policy (Joke) Ad

Like I imagine most Americans are doing, I'm watching the NFL playoffs today. And in watching the game, I happened to hear the NFL's ridiculously draconian legal policy regarding game broadcasts. They say that no-one may give any accounts or descriptions of the game without the express written permission of the NFL ahead of time. And you know what that means, right? It means you're not allowed to discuss the games with anyone.

So I thought it might be fun for the NFL to illustrate this policy in the form of a TV ad spot. And if they were really being true to the actual letter of this unbelievably unrealistic and asinine policy, the ad would look something like this:

Two men at work meet at the water cooler in their office, and one says to the other: "Did you see the football game last night?" And the other guy says: "Yeah, it was great!" And just then, a bunch of massive football players in full pads, helmets, and uniforms smash into them, viciously tackling them and smearing them to the floor, destroying everything in the room around them in the process. Then the announcer says: "NFL broadcast policy explicitly states no-one may give any account or descriptions of the game without prior written consent from the NFL: This means you!"

(Yes, even saying of the game: "It was great" technically violates this policy, because although it's minimally descriptive, it is still a description of the game. And this is expressly forbidden by the NFL's silly policy. And they read this policy during the broadcast of every one of their games. And according to this repressively stringent NFL broadcast legal policy, we are, none of us, without exception, permitted to discuss, even amongst our closest friends and family, any aspect of an NFL football game, no matter how small, in any manner or to any degree whatsoever, without getting prior express written permission from the NFL. Now seriously, does that sound reasonable?)

Arrowhead Katniss Everdeen Ad?

Arrowhead water might want to consider using Katniss Everdeen from The Hunger Games in a tie-in ad for this movie trilogy. She is an expert at archery (shooting arrows), and she uses her head. So you have arrows, and you have a good head on her shoulders. And for this ad campaign, they could show Katniss drinking from a bottle of Arrowhead and surviving great adversity, with the slogan: “Arrowhead Water: For Life.” (Or: “Arrowhead: Water for Life.”) {Because she is in a battle for her life.}

And to drive the point home even more about the archery aspect, why not have some bad guy bully character pick up a bottle of Arrowhead water from a care package or whatever during the Hunger Games, and Katniss shoots an arrow through his head (hence the name: "Arrowhead"). Then she casually walks over, pries the bottle of Arrowhead water from the guy's cold, dead hand (hey, where have I heard that before? Pry it from my cold, dead hand. Hmm... Oh, I forget.), and drinks it, with the label facing the camera.

"Do No Harm" Billboard Ad

There's a new billboard ad for the upcoming NBC TV show Do No Harm, and it's pretty silly. This is what it looks like, just so you know:

http://oyster.ignimgs.com/wordpress/stg.ign.com/2012/11/do-not-harm-nbc-550x310.jpg

I was driving with friends this evening and we saw this billboard ad for the first time, and we all thought it was pretty dumb. It looks like the guy is playing peek-a-boo, but his face is also printed on his hands. (I guess the looking-in-the-mirror thing has been done to death too much already, huh? But maybe it's not really that imagery, so much as it's the split-personality thing, that has been done to death too much.) There were kids in the car, so the first thing that came to my mind was that this guy must be a professional peek-a-boo player, and so he got his face tattooed onto the tops of his hands so it would be really hard to tell if it was his face or his hands. But then, naturally, he would have to tattoo fingers, finger outlines and fake shadows for a 3D effect onto his face, so his hands and his face would look identical. And then he could spike everyone's water with LSD and chase everybody around playing peek-a-boo, saying: "Hey, look: does this blow your mind, man?"

It would be a lot of work to get to that level of dedication, but somehow, after all that, I still think he would find that people would demonstrate very little appreciation for his peek-a-boo expertise. Which just goes to show you: people are so jaded these days, aren't they? Hardly anyone appreciates peek-a-boo anymore once they're grown up. It's a real shame. And it's no wonder, then, that athletes take performance-enhancing drugs, what with such apathy towards boring sports; because how else are such athletes supposed to get our attention?

Manti Te'o "And I'm a Mormon" Ad?

I just found out yesterday that Manti Te'o is a Mormon. So I wonder if there will soon be an outreach ad from the Chruch of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints about Manti Te'o, showing us all the weird stuff surrounding this fake dead girlfriend scenario, and then have him say: "And I'm a Mormon!" Don't you think they ought to?

An ad like this could really show how Mormons are just like everyone else: easily duped and scammed, serial exaggerators, questionable judgment, borderline dishonest, etc. Or would that just make Mormons seem like weirdos?

Kraftwerk's New "Tour de France" Remix

In light of the revelations of all the drugs, steroids, blood doping, cheating of all kinds, etc., in the Tour de France, the synth band Kraftwerk is reportedly remixing a new version of their classic dance song. This will include new sound effects segments with riders flicking the air bubbles out of syringes, groaning from shooting up, whispering instructions to team mates, the ringing and answering of untraceable cell phones, etc. Also, there will be a new section devoted to drug testing with urine sound effects and medical staff giving instructions to riders undergoing drug tests.

Also, some lyrics reportedly will be changed, including the following:

I am taking steroids for, Tour de France, Tour de France,
I am taking HGH, Tour de France, Tour de France,
I am taking EPO, Tour de France, Tour de France,
I hope my track marks do not show, Tour de France, Tour de France.

I must pee into the cup, Tour de France, Tour de France,
I'm afraid the gig is up, Tour de France, Tour de France,
I will lose my Nike ads, Tour de France, Tour de France,
If I get narced on by my lads, Tour de France, Tour de France.

I sure am looking forward to the new mixes of the song! And I hope you all are, too! Finally, a more accurate song about the Tour de France. There will reportedly be a "Steroid Syringe Mix", a "Secret Cell Phone Mix", a "Blood Booster Mix", and a "Urine Sample Mix".

The new cover art will show a cyclist racing with a guy in a white lab coat holding out a urine sample receptacle on the front, and a DJ playing records with hypodermic needles on the turntables on the back.

This is Kraftwerk's "Tour de France", if you are unfamiliar with it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yt3p-F2x7rY

Metlife Joke Peanuts Ads

Recently I criticized Metlife's use of the Peanuts characters as not making a lot of sense for insurance advertising, at least in the way they employ them. So here I will illustrate some (joke) examples of how they might be employed in ways that might make sense for insurance ads.

1.) Lucy's psychiatric practice: As we all know, Lucy has a psychiatrist stand where she sells her psychiatric services for 5 cents. Well, let's say that some insecure kid comes to her for help, and she bullies and berates him, and then he commits suicide. Well, if she had her malpractice insurance through MetLife, then she wouldn't lose her cardboard box office to foreclosure, and the angry, grieving family would get some compensation for her ineptitude and unqualified advice.

2.) Schroeder's piano playing: Let's say that Schroeder's father is secretly a gambling addict, and he gets deeply indebted to some local mobster. So in order to encourage him to pay his debts, they smash Schroeder's piano. Well, since he's insured through MetLife, the piano is replaced. But he still doesn't pay his debts, so the mobsters break Schroeder's fingers. Oh, but he is insured through MetLife, so his healthcare costs are all covered! And then when his father gets bumped off for failure to pay off what he owes, Schroeder and his family are well provided for due to his father's generous life insurance policy with MetLife.

3.) Lucy and the football: Lucy just loves to pull the football away at the last second, sending Charlie Brown flying. Well, one of these days, he might just get badly hurt, and his family might sue Lucy's family for pain and suffering, as well as medical costs, seeing as how Lucy does this all the time and her family does nothing to punish her for it. (Think Charlie Brown is to blame for falling for it again and again? Forget it: With out current legal climate and political correctness, there is no such thing as personal responsibility anymore as far as choosing to do irresponsible things that get you hurt are concerned.) Well, knowing what an irresponsible bully of a daughter they have, they've insured her for liability, and so they don't lose their home when they lose the lawsuit: MetLife pays it all!

4.) Snoopy and the Red Baron: Hey, we all know Snoopy loves to get into dogfights with the Red Baron, right? Well, he constantly gets shot down, and so it's really just a matter of time before a stray bullet of his hits someone, or else his doghouse crashes onto some innocent pedestrian on the ground. Well, if he's insured against collateral damage from his militarist activities through MetLife, he won't lose his doghouse like that cartoon dog in the Peachtree Financial ads.

5.) Linus and his blanket: As we all know from the Charlie Brown TV specials, Linus is rather psychotic in his addiction to a security blanket. He even gave it to Charlie Brown for luck in a Spelling Bee once, but he had awful withdrawal symptoms, so his parents, apparently at the end of their ropes from his whining, allowed him to take a bus to Washington, D.C. alone to go retrieve it (!!!). Oh, my God: He could have been seduced by Mark Foley! Oh, but had he insured his security blanket with MetLife, he could have had a new security blanket in no time!