Yesterday an assault rifles ban passed a key hurdle in the Senate, but it’s unlikely to pass in the full Senate, and it’s guaranteed dead-on-arrival in the House of Representatives. But that’s okay, because guns aren’t really the problem: the problem is that everyone isn’t wearing body armor all the time!
Yes, it’s clear that with spree shootings occurring all over the place practically every day these days, it’s incumbent upon us all to wear body armor every time we leave the house. Hey kids: want to dress like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles every day at school? The new TMNT body armor is perfect for everyday use! Don’t like the Ninja Turtles? Then how about dressing up as Darth Vader or Dr. Doom? Our festive kids’ body armor comes in all shapes and sizes, and can dress you up to look like your favorite comic book or video game characters so that every day is like Halloween! And for the kid in all of us, adults get to dress up too as Star Wars Stormtroopers, Wookies (yes, we make furry body armor, too!), Iron Man, the list goes on and on! Protecting yourself from gun violence has never been more fun to do! It feels like a masquerade ball everywhere you go! What could be more fun?
But wearing body armor out in everyday society isn’t enough, because supposedly most gun deaths occur in the home, with people accidentally shot with their own guns, shooting each other, etc. So that’s why there’s the new home body armor as well! It looks like a Snuggie, but it’s bulletproof! What more could you want than to rest in your home in the delightful body armor that kind of looks on the outside like it’s comfortable (but it isn’t)?
So come on down to Big Blam’s Bullet-Bouncing Body Armor today, and find your wearable fortress for you, your friends and your family! Not to wear it is just like asking to be shot!
And think about this: Medieval knights didn’t try to ban swords and arrows, did they? No! They just wore armor all the time. And that’s how chivalry came to be: everybody was wearing armor, so they were too weighed-down to be cads and villains. So when people claim chivalry is dead these days, it's just because everyone isn’t wearing armor all the time, everywhere they go. It’s true!
(Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Wear body armor every day? That sounds inconvenient.” But with helmet laws for bicycles and motorcycles, we’ve all gotten used to wearing them. And body armor is really just a helmet for the rest of your body. And it’s just irresponsible not to protect your body like you would your head: that’s just common sense!)
