Yes, there’s a new push to ban salt, made by the health bullies at CNN. Their study shows we’re eating too much salt, and it will harm and kill us. But let’s look at the facts: We’re eating more salt now than we did 100 years ago, and we’re living longer, too! So, obviously, eating more salt is what’s making us all live longer. (That’s about as tenuous a connection as agenda science needs these days to prove causality for indicting the things they want to ban.)
So then it’s clear they’re trying to kill us all! Social Security is insolvent and Medicare costs are going to bankrupt the country, and if they can’t ban assault weapons (they only want to ban assault weapons because they sound like they’ve got salt in them!), then we’ll be able to survive the zombie apocalypse they’re preparing for us, and then their irresponsible management of the government will become apparent, so now they’re trying to make us die sooner by banning salt to cover their incompetence. (You know it’s true!)
But apparently salt is what makes most processed foods taste good enough to eat, so if they ban salt, nobody will want to eat that crap anymore, and maybe we’ll all lose weight and be healthier. But that’s cheating, so let’s all eat handfuls of salt just to foil their dastardly plot! (Just kidding: Of course salt is bad for you, and if you ever eat any, you’ll die right there on the spot! And if you don’t die, the anti-salt agents will kill you and then just say the salt did it.)
Okay, so let’s review: You can’t eat salt, you can’t eat sugar, you can’t eat artificial sweeteners because they’re worse than sugar, you can’t eat fat, you can’t eat carbs, you can’t eat meat, you can’t eat fast food, you can’t eat anything processed, you can’t smoke, you can’t drink alcohol (except maybe for some red wine), but you can’t drink soft drinks either, you can’t use the internet too much, watching TV is bad for you, video games are brainwashing violence machines, you can’t drive because of global warming, you can’t go outside because of stranger danger, but you can’t sit around either because that causes heart disease. Are we all straight on this? No fun of any kind or else! Oh, but depression causes a decrease in productivity and an increased suicide risk, so I guess you’d better do something, except that pretty soon you won’t be allowed even to do that. Yea, America! Fun, fun, fun!
Hey, how about a video game called: “Salt Kill”? The game players play the role of a nutritionist, and the object of the game is to keep people from eating salt. So you’d walk into a restaurant, and you’d first try to peer-pressure people into not eating salt with some sanctimonious speech, and then if that didn’t work, you’d walk around the restaurant slapping salt shakers out of diners’ hands and knocking forkfuls of food away from people’s mouths so they can’t eat any salt. Then you just knock tables over and attack the kitchen staff with big carving knives, you know, to save lives and stuff from the pernicious dangers of salt. And then you go door to door in residential neighborhoods, confiscating salt shakers and abducting anyone who cooks using salt. Then it’s off to the processed food companies where you do commando raids to destroy their salt reserves and to disable the parts of the automated assembly line that adds salt (and if it’s people that did it, you kill them all; you know, to save lives that would be lost to salt exposure). And on and on again until you destroyed all the salt in the world and everyone who puts it in food. And other players could choose to play a villainous role who runs around the game shaking salt in everyone’s food before and after the hero nutritionist can remove it all, leading to everyone’s death from salt (you know, eventually from heart disease after maybe like 70 to 80 years). It would be hours and hours of healthy fun, battling salt and saving humanity! I hope someone will make this visionary video game soon for training the next generation of meddling health nuts. (Oh, and to make the game even more fun, the hand controller could be programmed to function only if the players’ hands were completely free of salt residue, and to automatically shut down if it detects even trace amounts of salt during game play! (That would make sure only serious salt-fighting warriors could play, and it would encourage healthy eating habits.)
Of course human beings do need salt, and will die without sufficient salt intake. But that does not support this salt ban agenda, so please forget that fact, okay? Thanks.
