Wednesday, March 20, 2013

The Rubens Code (Unraveling the Obesity Conspiracy)

Hey, want to know how to really get people interested in obesity and its causes? Rather than conducting phony “scientific studies” that are clearly pathetic examples of agenda science designed to demonize sugary sodas and such, leading to the usual government interventionist ban attempts, why not instead create a fascinating historical conspiracy drama interweaving art, science, religion, the dichotomy of good vs. evil, etc. You know, the whole shebang, like in The DaVince Code, only refocused to target the issue of obesity and its root causes! And since there is a classical Renaissance-era (actually Baroque) painter who is well-known for his use of pleasantly plump human figures, one Peter Paul Rubens (he even has the term “Rubenesque” meaning plump {especially pleasingly so}, named for his full-figured figure painting style), why not construct an elaborate tale around his paintings pointing to a grand conspiracy of massive enough proportions to match the figures in his paintings? And naturally it would be called The Rubens Code, and it would keep everyone on the edge of their seats (until their seats finally gave way from the weight!), following the clues to the conspiracy all the way to the halls of candy and soda companies worldwide, exposing their ages-old malevolent plot to fatten up the world to Rubenesque proportions!

Yes, it’s The Rubens Code: Trace the evidence in a massive conspiracy with truly weighty implications, exposing the plot that’s fattening up the world for the slaughter! Why are we all getting bigger and fatter? Who is to blame? Who profits for the obesitization of humanity? Find out the shockingly sweet truth is this sticky situation that will surely make you want to throw up yet will have you hungry for more! Binge on its intrigue! Glut yourself on its fascinations! It’s The Rubens Code: Order your copy today!

(I think the general idea of The Rubens Code, just to spoil it for everyone, would be that sugar was produced by the Catholic Church under the pretense that it was made by some nefarious Capitalist enterprise, and the whole point was that the Church would demonize the eating of sweets, knowing it would make everyone want to eat them that much more, so they would make fire and brimstone sermons against it, and secretly make and market candy and sugary drinks, and that made everyone fat, so they would not only feel guilty, but also see physical signs of their own guilt, and so they would come back to the Church to repent and make themselves feel better, giving lots of money to the donation dish, and then sneaking away to secretly squander their money on their edible paramour: sweets. And so the Catholic Church would enrich themselves on both ends: through selling the sweets and through acting as the deliverer from such evils, and it was all a great ruse and a great conspiracy, leading to their secret ownership of modern candy and soda conglomerates and their infiltration of modern governments, where they push agendas for prohibitions against sweets and sugary sodas, knowing full-well that such a ban on such things will only make everyone want them ten times more than ever, and so they guarantee that not only will people buy them more than ever before, but that they can make even more money than ever before selling them illegally on the black market, leading to even more feelings of guilt in the buyers, which in turn leads to more binge eating out of misery and guilt, and more visits to the Church for redemption. Oh, and also they chose to make sugary sweets to cause diabetes and create more patients for their Catholic hospitals and to make more money for their secret biotech companies that produce diabetes-related medical products, because that’s how far this conspiracy reaches, man! And all this sweet, sweet cash they made by playing both sides against the middle on this sickeningly sweet scam is how they financed the construction of their super-opulent dream palace, The Vatican, and how they managed to get all their people dressed to kill, decked-out in the finest finery, dripping with jewels aplenty and gaudy glitz galore! {Hey, The DaVinci Code was a big Catholic Church conspiracy, so naturally this one had to have the Church be the bad guys too, just for the sake of consistency. But with this new Pope, Pope Francis, I really have high hopes for good things, and this joke is less intended to be a commentary on or condemnation of the Church, so much as it’s just a joke on The DaVinci Code.}

And, naturally, the conspiracy would be decoded from the clues left by Rubens in his paintings, like combinations of Catholic Church iconography somehow combined with candy and soda company logos and such hidden within the fleshy folds of the pleasingly plump figures in Rubens’s works. And with the evidence gradually compiled, and a hackneyed globe-trotting chase through the power centers of the Church and the sweets industries, as well as to museums and private art collections the world over, following the sugar-encrusted trail bit-by-bit, the grand conspiracy would finally be revealed piece-by-piece, giving the audience a sugar rush of excitement sweet enough to satiate even the sweetest of sweet-tooths! {<Sweet teeth?})