Hey, want to know how to really get people interested in obesity and its
causes? Rather than conducting phony “scientific studies” that are clearly
pathetic examples of agenda science designed to demonize sugary sodas and such,
leading to the usual government interventionist ban attempts, why not instead
create a fascinating historical conspiracy drama interweaving art, science,
religion, the dichotomy of good vs. evil, etc. You know, the whole shebang, like
in The DaVince Code, only
refocused to target the issue of obesity and its root causes! And since there
is a classical Renaissance-era (actually Baroque) painter who is well-known for
his use of pleasantly plump human figures, one Peter Paul Rubens (he even has
the term “Rubenesque” meaning plump {especially pleasingly so}, named for his
full-figured figure painting style), why not construct an elaborate tale around
his paintings pointing to a grand conspiracy of massive enough proportions to
match the figures in his paintings? And naturally it would be called The
Rubens Code, and it would keep everyone on
the edge of their seats (until their seats finally gave way from the weight!),
following the clues to the conspiracy all the way to the halls of candy and
soda companies worldwide, exposing their ages-old malevolent plot to fatten up
the world to Rubenesque proportions!
Yes, it’s The Rubens Code: Trace the evidence in a massive conspiracy with truly weighty
implications, exposing the plot that’s fattening up the world for the
slaughter! Why are we all getting bigger and fatter? Who is to blame? Who
profits for the obesitization of humanity? Find out the shockingly sweet truth
is this sticky situation that will surely make you want to throw up yet will have
you hungry for more! Binge on its intrigue! Glut yourself on its fascinations!
It’s The Rubens Code: Order
your copy today!
(I think the general idea of The Rubens Code, just to spoil it for everyone, would be that sugar
was produced by the Catholic Church under the pretense that it was made by some
nefarious Capitalist enterprise, and the whole point was that the Church would
demonize the eating of sweets, knowing it would make everyone want to eat them
that much more, so they would make fire and brimstone sermons against it, and
secretly make and market candy and sugary drinks, and that made everyone fat,
so they would not only feel guilty, but also see physical signs of their own
guilt, and so they would come back to the Church to repent and make themselves
feel better, giving lots of money to the donation dish, and then sneaking away
to secretly squander their money on their edible paramour: sweets. And so the
Catholic Church would enrich themselves on both ends: through selling the
sweets and through acting as the deliverer from such evils, and it was all a
great ruse and a great conspiracy, leading to their secret ownership of modern
candy and soda conglomerates and their infiltration of modern governments,
where they push agendas for prohibitions against sweets and sugary sodas,
knowing full-well that such a ban on such things will only make everyone want
them ten times more than ever, and so they guarantee that not only will people
buy them more than ever before, but that they can make even more money than
ever before selling them illegally on the black market, leading to even more
feelings of guilt in the buyers, which in turn leads to more binge eating out
of misery and guilt, and more visits to the Church for redemption. Oh, and also
they chose to make sugary sweets to cause diabetes and create more patients for
their Catholic hospitals and to make more money for their secret biotech
companies that produce diabetes-related medical products, because that’s how far this conspiracy reaches, man! And all
this sweet, sweet cash they made by playing both sides against the middle on
this sickeningly sweet scam is how they financed the construction of their
super-opulent dream palace, The Vatican, and how they managed to get all their
people dressed to kill, decked-out in the finest finery, dripping with jewels
aplenty and gaudy glitz galore! {Hey, The DaVinci Code was a big Catholic Church conspiracy, so
naturally this one had to have the Church be the bad guys too, just for the
sake of consistency. But with this new Pope, Pope Francis, I really have high
hopes for good things, and this joke is less intended to be a commentary on or
condemnation of the Church, so much as it’s just a joke on The
DaVinci Code.}
And, naturally, the conspiracy would be decoded from the
clues left by Rubens in his paintings, like combinations of Catholic Church
iconography somehow combined with candy and soda company logos and such hidden
within the fleshy folds of the pleasingly plump figures in Rubens’s works. And
with the evidence gradually compiled, and a hackneyed globe-trotting chase
through the power centers of the Church and the sweets industries, as well as
to museums and private art collections the world over, following the
sugar-encrusted trail bit-by-bit, the grand conspiracy would finally be
revealed piece-by-piece, giving the audience a sugar rush of excitement sweet
enough to satiate even the sweetest of sweet-tooths! {<Sweet teeth?})
