Apparently Sochi held the first ever men’s and women’s co-ed biathlon relay today. And I’m sure that’s all great and everything, but if they’re going to do that, then how about married couple biathlon? That would be great!
Here’s how it would work: Each country would enter a married couple to compete. They all have to have been married for at least 25 years so they’re always hyper-critical of each other. Then they would ski together and shoot targets, with a microphone attached to everyone’s helmet.
So for the skiing race part, they would be bitching at each other, saying stuff like: “I told you not to eat such a big breakfast; it always makes you sluggish!” And: “Maybe if you’d get off my back I could ski well for a change!” And while they’re arguing, the man would get winded and accidentally ski into a tree, and his wife would say: “I told you to look at the directions! Oh, but you never want to admit you’re lost! My mother was right about you! You’re always holding me back!”
Oh, but it’s the target shooting that would be the best, as no matter who was shooting (they would take turns), the other would be hyper-critical and ruin the others’ self confidence, saying stuff like: “Don’t shoot at it yet! See? I told you you’d miss! Don’t hold the gun like that! You never listen to me! Of course you’re always going to miss when you do it like that! My parents said you’d always choke when it mattered! Wait ‘till everyone back home hears about this!” (Etc.)
And, of course, results have nothing to do with speed or accuracy, but with scoring of insults and badgering. Oh, and anyone who shoots at their partner is disqualified.
And naturally, this would be followed up with the Cross Country Divorce Race, where the couple ski races to a divorce court, and the first to get there gets to keep the house.
(Now, of course I’m just kidding. Surely some marriages work, right?)
