I keep hearing alarmist stories on the news about a likely non-existent toothpaste bomb that may be used by terrorists in Sochi. But a toothpaste bomb? How the hell are they supposed to accomplish that? We all know the expression about how difficult it is to put toothpaste back in the tube, so this seems like an unlikely threat to me. Unless they’re using a pre-existing toothpaste…
Hey, it seems to me I have heard of explosive properties in toothpaste advertising claims before: maybe that means they are actually explosive? Now let me think… Where have I heard this before? Oh that’s right: Ultra Brite toothpaste! Here are their ads explicitly stating there is dynamite in their toothpaste (!):
See: It’s “dynamite” fresh (that’s terrorist code for it has dynamite in it). Plus, it claims that it “gets you noticed”, which is what terrorist groups want, and why they commit terrorist attacks in the first place! Notice also how she uses the toothpaste as a laser gun: that’s code for it being a weapon! Oh, and notice all the explosive animated graphics and sound effects: that proves it right there!
And here’s the kicker: an Ultra Brite ad that demonstrates how dangerously hot their product is (It features Farrah Fawcett, and she became a supernova star after this, proving the explosive potential of Ultra Brite toothpaste!):
Gee, I sure hope terrorists are not going to use Ultra Brite toothpaste!
(Just kidding! Please don’t sue me Ultra Brite! {But on the plus side, if we can convince terrorists that Ultra Brite toothpaste is a pre-made bomb, maybe they’d try it, and we could save lots of lives when it fails!})
(Just kidding! Please don’t sue me Ultra Brite! {But on the plus side, if we can convince terrorists that Ultra Brite toothpaste is a pre-made bomb, maybe they’d try it, and we could save lots of lives when it fails!})
