Yes, that’s right! Chasing dogs can give you a seizure!
Oh, wait a second… Sorry, I got that mixed-up. Actually, what I meant to say was that Los Angeles has a new law which says if you chase a dog, you have to have a seizure. Or was it that if a dog chases you, you get a seizure? I forget.
Oh, wait! It’s that if a dog chases someone, the city will have a seizure! Or that’s what it seems like, since they will seize any dog that chases anyone, because that means it’s vicious and must be put down! And who can argue with that? If a dog chases anyone, it must be rabid and stuff, so let’s steal it and murder it. But I don’t want to have to do it myself, so that’s why it’s so nice that the government will do it for me! Yay, government! At least I know they’re putting my tax dollars to good use!
So if you go to the dog park with your dog, and you grab a stick off of the ground, you better tell your dog not to chase you or anything, because there will be animal control officers disguised as trees and bushes and stuff everywhere, waiting to strike! They’ve been preparing for this for a long time, so they’ll be ready for you and your evil, viciously fluffy puppies! Oh, and if some drug-addict criminal steals your dog’s slimy saliva-covered tennis ball to go sell at a pawn shop for drugs, your dog better not chase him, or else: it’s curtains! And what happens if your dog is just jogging with you, but you’re jogging behind another jogger who thinks the dog is chasing them? That’s right: seizure & death for your dog! (Evil laugh sound effect, please.)
And you know what this means: That dog in those Traveler’s Insurance ads who is spazzing with worry over his bone being stolen is justified in doing so, since the new law means that just anybody could grab that bone away at any time, and he couldn’t chase them to get it back! No wonder he’s so concerned about losing it! This law is unfair to dogs! I’ll bet this is just a way for law-makers to get their grubby mitts on dogs’ bones with impunity! It’s beastly! They should get their own bones! Doesn’t their government expense account cover bone purchases? I guess not!
But you know what else it could mean? That’s right: dog fighting! I mean, look: what other reason could they possibly have for wanting to steal (Oh, sorry; I mean: “justifiably legally confiscate”, of course!) everyone’s dog, right? When they begin enforcing this new law, they’re going to be up to their ears in dogs! And with all the budget shortfalls we’ve got here in California, what else could they do to pay for it? So obviously they’re probably going to use all of these confiscated dogs for underground dog fighting so they can profit from all its related gambling and stuff. (Heck, they’re going to have to euthanize them anyway, so they might as well profit off of it, right? After all, it doesn’t say in the law how the dog has to be killed, so I’m sure it’s legal for them to kill them in illegal underground dog fights, right?)
I’ll bet they got the idea from that new Heineken snake-fighting ad! See? I told you that ad was a bad idea! It’s all Heineken’s fault! Or, wait; maybe this is part of that new bicyclist-protection law? So now we’re not even allowed to loose our vicious dogs on cyclists to get revenge for the fact that they told on us for throwing stuff at them? (Snitches!) No fair!
Here’s the silly story (I'll bet you thought I made it up, didn't you?):
And here’s that Traveler’s ad where the dog gets his bone insured:
And here’s the Heineken snake-fighting ad:
And here’s the story about that bike law:
