I listen to NPR in the car every time I drive anywhere. I really like NPR, but they’re killers! You see, they always talk about especially boring stuff in really soothing voices, because they know we’re in the car, which proves they’re trying to make us fall asleep behind the wheel and kill everyone on the road, including ourselves! It’s true! Plus, with them always nagging us to donate to them all the time, they know we won’t be able to afford to buy one of those new-fangled Mercedes cars with the features that make you stop automatically and stuff, so we’ll all die! That’s why they do the fund drive! They don’t need the money, they’re just trying to keep us all from being able to afford those cars! And all because they want us all to fall asleep at the wheel and kill everyone! That’s why they all live at the radio station: They don’t want to chance getting on the road when they know their programming is murdering everyone! And that proves they’re doing it on purpose!
But I always like to listen to them in the car anyway. But it’s not for the programming. No, I like to see how tough I am, and see if I can resist falling asleep while listening. It’s hard, but somehow I’ve managed to do it. But that’s because I cheat, actually: I sit on a tack to keep me awake while I drive!
