So here we have a nerdy hiker who’s been crushed by a boulder, and he’s waiting with his cute, funny-looking dog to be rescued. And this guy may look like a wimpy loser, but he’s actually very brave and tough, as he’s not whining or crying, even though he’s been smushed by a huge rock; and he’s even comforting his dog, who is uninjured. What a hero! And he’s got faith in his fellow man, certain that help will arrive to save him!
Oh, but when it does arrive, some jerk lowered on a cable from a helicopter just steals his Wheat Thins Stix and leaves him to die alone! Well, it’s a good thing the dog was filming this to show what selfish thieves these particular rescue workers are, always just stealing Wheat Thins Stix, and then letting people die so they won’t be able to testify against them! Why don’t they just buy their own?! Maybe they don’t know about them, since they’re always saving lives, but when they see them for the first time, the Wheat Thins Stix are so tempting and delicious, they simply can’t help themselves, and it makes them become uncharacteristically recklessly indifferent, depraved gluten gluttons! And they can’t help it! So then it’s Wheat Thins's fault that they’re knowingly making a product that’s so delicious, people will actually steal it and leave you to die, or even kill for it!
So perhaps it’s a warning! The advertising department knew how dangerous and potentially lethal these Wheat Thins Stix were, but the executives refused to stop distributing and selling them anyway (those murderers!), so they felt they had to warn us about how they would make even the most altruistic and trustworthy among us (i.e.: rescue workers) into venal, slobbering addicts! So stay away from these, whatever you do! And most importantly: Don’t take them hiking or camping with you, or you’ll be left to die!
Oh, and Wheat Thins obviously hates nerds, too, so the company must be run by bullies. Why else would they publicly humiliate and victimize such a person in such a situation and then broadcast it so we all could see it? And the way they present it, it’s apparently supposed to be funny! The maniacs! So they think a slow, agonizing death is hilarious, so long as it happens to a nerd! Maybe we need a new law just for protecting nerds from Wheat Thins Stix! Maybe the tagline to this ad should have been: “Wheat Thins Stix: We let losers die alone!” And then it should say: “And then their dogs are forced to eat them to survive!”
Here’s the ad:
