Hey! I thought bears pooped in the woods, only poop was a ruder word! In fact, when is Geico going to use that one for their current campaign? Then that annoying guy with the hypothetical questions could go into the woods to prove it and get mauled by a grizzly bear. And all the world would cheer! (But it would be just special effects, of course! We don’t want him actually to be killed; just to go away: Please.)
Oh, but this bear poops in a suburban house! No wonder there are always news clips of bears being tranquilized in suburban neighborhoods: They’re not trespassing; they live there! Aaaaa! Run away! They’re moving in so they can eat us all! (I’ll bet the video game that little bear is playing is about catching and eating humans! Oh, but most of them are like that for human video games, aren’t they? Oh, never mind.) And Charmin is trying to make them look all cute and fluffy so we’ll walk right into their jaws of death!
I can’t believe Charmin has sided with the hungry man-eating bears over us humans! Maybe they made friends with them in the forest while they were out choosing which trees to kill and cut down to make their toilet paper out of. So they were obviously captured by grizzly bears who let them live only if they promised to help the bears eat more people by brainwashing us all with propaganda about how cute, warm & cuddly bears are, so we’d all accept them in our neighborhood associations! Then, when the neighborhood association tries to fine or censure them for climbing trees or eating their neighbors or flying an American flag on their garage or whatever, the bears use that as an excuse to eat them!
Actually, maybe if they rid us of these tyrannical neighborhood associations, they’re actually helping us! So perhaps Charmin is providing a service to humanity, helping bears who are in turn allowing us to live freely once again! And why would they do that? Well, I guess only because the Founding Fathers were reincarnated as bears and became disgusted with how little freedom we have left in our own neighborhoods, so they’re trying to free us from tyranny once again! What else could it mean? And Charmin only wants to help us regain our liberty! So they’re patriots! Well, then if you love America and freedom, you must buy Charmin toilet paper! (Oh, sorry: “Bathroom Tissue”.)
But maybe I’m wrong, and they’re just in cahoots with the bears to eat us all! That’s probably the safer bet, since the bears all use Charmin. In fact, since the bears all use Charmin, even though it clearly gives them all dingleberries, that must mean that Charmin is owned and operated by hungry, man-murdering bears! And they’re trying to make them look like fun, fuzzy, fur-bearing friends to trick us and make us easier to catch and eat! I knew it! They’re trying to kill us with toilet paper! Help ! Help! And then they made that new Planet of the Apes movie so we’d forget about the real threat: the bears!
So Stephen Colbert was right all along: Bears are the real threat! And it’s surprising he would warn us, since what’s his last name? That’s right, it’s pronounced: “Cole-Bear”!
Now, the ad I’m talking about here is not on YouTube that I could find, but I’m going to attach a few ads from this campaign, showing how they’re trying to acclimate us to the idea of bears living amongst us in houses and stuff.
Here’s what their ads used to look like, with bears going to the bathroom in the woods, like they ought to do:
Here’s one where they’re easing us into the idea of bears being like people, showing them driving a car, although they're still going to the bathroom in the woods here:
And here’s the ones where they’re trying to get us used to the idea of bears living in our neighborhood (so they can eat us):
