Yes, apparently there is a movie coming out based upon the thrilling board (bored?) game: Battleship! I know this probably wouldn’t make a lot of money, but I really hope the movie is just two commanders on enemy ships saying stuff like: “E-7!”, and: “B-5!” to each other for 2 hours. Then, at the end, one could say: “You sank my battleship!” (Whatever the movie is about, right at the climax of the film, it must have the villain say: “You sunk my battleship!” or it’s cheating!) And if this movie does well, they should follow it up with Sub Search in 3-D! (For those of you who don’t know, Sub Search was the even-more-boring 3-dimensional version of Battleship, where players guessed the same crappy letter/number combinations, but with the added excitement of there being multiple layers too! So it was all the excitement of playing Battleship, but for three times as long! Awesome!)
I hope the plot of the movie is that some Bond-villain-type guy has stolen a US Navy destroyer equipped with a cloaking device so nobody can see or detect it, and some super-macho American Navy commander has to destroy the ship before it can carry out its terrorist goals by guessing where it is, and hitting it with like 5 missiles or whatever is required to destroy it. Now that would be exciting, right? No? Well then you come up with a better idea for the movie that still stays true to the theme and game-play of the board game! And seriously, if they don’t stay true to the game, what’s the point of making a movie based on it? (And when you think about it, isn’t this movie/game tie-in a few decades past its sell-by date? Do people actually play Battleship anymore?)
Here’s the story, so you won’t think I’m inventing all of this:
BTW: I hadn’t read the article before I wrote this piece, but apparently, they try to explain what the movie’s about. Plus, they reveal that Battleship has had video game versions and smartphone apps too! I didn’t know that. I’ll bet it’s still really boring, especially when playing against the computer, since it wouldn't say stuff like: “In your face, loser!” when it beats you, which was the only fun part of battleship anyway (whether you won or lost). So then, where’s the movie of Angry Birds? Now that one I might actually go see, since it might explain some of what the hell is actually the motivation behind the pigs and birds characters. But Hollywood would probably screw it all up and change it, and it would end up being some environmental propaganda movie in the end, like where the pigs run a factory farm or something, and the birds are saving the planet from global warming or whatever. (Oh, by the way, the pigs are green in Angry Birds. So is this where the green ham from Green Eggs and Ham comes from? If so, then perhaps the birds’ eggs are the green eggs, and the pigs own a company where they steal and sell the green eggs, along with the flesh of their murdered green pig friends who have been killed by the birds. That way, it might kinda make sense, right?)
Oh, and here’s a couple of old ads for the board game Battleship:
