Hey, how come Shaun White thinks it’s okay to attack people just because they don’t want to buy a product, specifically a new pack of gum? (Okay, maybe he’s not personally attacking them, but he’s driving the get-away van; plus as a famous star, he can easily peer-pressure his fans into doing it if he tells them he thinks it’s cool!) He’s already mega-rich: what does he care about it, anyway? After all: He can afford a new pack of gum, and most of us can’t! It’s none of his business, man! This is the problem with us always using athletes as role models for children! Now, all the kids out there who look up to Shaun White are going to chase down and assault everyone who’s chewing gum, just to copy him! And it probably won’t even be Stride Gum most of them are chewing, either!
What if some kids are trying to be responsible and chew Trident gum, on account of the fact that 4-out-of-5 dentists prefer sugarless gum for their patients who chew gum? Well, then they’re going to be attacked for making the right choices in life, and then they will learn that being responsible gets you punished, and they’ll become life-long screw-ups from then on, draining our welfare system dry, bankrupting and destroying the country! And all because of this ad!
I knew it! He is trying to destroy America! See? Skateboarding really is leading to the destruction of the world, especially since it was added to the Olympics (Okay, so it’s actually snowboarding, but whatever)! So it’s really the Olympic Committee who’s to blame here! Oh, and who runs that? It’s Jacque Rogge, right?: A French guy! A-ha! I knew it: Between DSK ruining the “perp-walk” for everyone, and Jacque Rogge using Shaun White to ruin our culture through teaching kids they will always be attacked for making the right decisions in life, French people are always trying to destroy America with chewing gum! You know it’s true!
Well, Shaun, now that I’ve revealed France’s evil plan to use you as a stooge to unseat America as the lone major super-power, will you wake-up and refuse to be a part of it? You should! And it’s all because of some gum, too! I always knew gum was up to no good, ever since that time I got gum all stuck in the sole of my shoe when I stepped on some! I’ll bet all five of those Trident ad “dentists” are actually communist agitators!
Here’s the spurious spot from this conspiratorial campaign that’s condemning the country to collapse:
