Now that gay marriage has been legalized in New York, it could cause untold damage to gay men’s fitness. This is the real reason, I’m sure, that Republicans have opposed gay marriage all along! You see, people feel like they must stay fit-looking in order to hold onto their loved-ones, until they are married, when people tend to just “let themselves go”. So you know the stereotype of how all gay men are super-duper-fit and muscular? Well, that’s all about to change!
That’s right: once gay men are permitted to get married, they’re all going to stop working out en masse! I mean, naturally they will, since they don’t need to keep up their looks to hold the relationship together anymore! Now, just the simple threat of losing half of one’s stuff, as in “traditional marriage” between a man and a woman, will be all that’s required to cement a lasting bond between couples! And once they all know that, they’ll all drop their gym memberships and become obese! And the ramifications will be felt throughout the economy!
Gyms will go out of business all at once, as well as athletic apparel shops! The economy will collapse with the erasure of such establishments! In their place, fast-food restaurants will propagate everywhere! Then the obesity epidemic will accelerate, clogging our hospitals with newly-formed obese people, as well our arteries with newly-formed cholesterol and plaque! The system will collapse from being overloaded, and the world will fall into chaos and anarchy! We’ll all be doomed!
See? So that’s why Republicans oppose gay marriage. They say some stuff about religion or whatever, but that’s just a ruse to brainwash the unwashed masses. No, it’s really because they want gay people to remain in-shape and fit-looking. And why is that? Well, we all know a lot of the most homophobic Republicans are really repressed homosexuals, right? Well, think of how disappointed they’d be if all the gay men got fat and out-of-shape! There’d be nobody to lust after then! And then where would their anti-gay agenda be? That’s right: It would be in the toilet, and no amount of tapping their feet would bring it back!
