Pac-Man is a video game from the olden days when the Earth was young, and computer graphics still were 8-bit Lego-looking crappy suggestions of things. So we had to use our imaginations a little. You kids today with all your super-graphic, photorealistic gore are missing out on all the imagination that we used to have to put into playing video games in the 1980s. Think of it kind of like the debate your parents would have given you about books vs. movies: you get to conjure up all of these wonderful images in your own mind from the prose that you’re reading, rather than having all of the visuals spoon-fed to you by the images in a movie, which just washes over you and allows you to become a brain-dead passive observer. And shit. (<Isn’t that what all the cool kids have to add onto everything they say to look cool these days? Or was that the 1990s. I can never keep this stuff straight, since I was always playing video games back then, so I kind-of drowned out the world with 8-bit representations of fantasy activities. You know, kind of like the original Tron movie, except with way worse-looking graphics, and no hot chick from Caddyshack, either. But whatever.)
Anyway, Pac-Man was this game where some yellow circle with a pizza-slice-looking mouth would run around this maze chomping around and popping all the pills he could, while being chased around by all these undercover cops dressed as hookers in tacky dresses trying to bust him for the drugs he was doing, but since he didn’t actually have any on him, they had to try to catch him in the act, or else tackle him and use probable cause to drug-test him. Who knows, maybe he was on some kind of parole for substance-abuse-related crimes, and so they were always following him around to see what he was up to, and when they saw him running around popping pills all the time, they chased after him.
In any case, they had to be really careful, because every once in a while, he’d come upon a really big dose of angel dust, and he’d just gobble that thing up! And once he did, these undercover cops would look like ghosts to him, so he’d get all paranoid and freak out, chase them down, kill them, and cannibalize their corpses (but really quickly, so he could go after the next one)! They called these things “power pills” or something, but we all knew it was really angel dust. It was obvious! I mean, what other drug would make him hallucinate like that and become so violent and cannibalistic? But apparently, the angel dust didn’t work for very long, and as it wore off, the remaining undercover cop ladies would start to chase him down again.
Anyway, the game designers tried to deny all this, but we all knew it was true anyway, or else we wouldn’t have played the game. After all, its popularity was solely based upon resistance to and rebellion against our nation's ridiculous drug laws, including the horribly ill-conceived “war on drugs”. And so Pac-Man was our way of fighting “the man” in a virtual world, since we were no match for him in the real one. And just to send a secret message to all druggies and get them to join the virtual fight against our unfair drug laws, the “Pac” in Pac-Man actually stood for Pills Are Cool, and the “Man”, was meant to signify that thing that druggies always used to say at the end of every sentence or phrase they uttered while high on drugs, as in: “Hey, man!” So it was really saying to the youth of America: “Pills are cool, man!”
See how subversive it all really was? And when I see all this hyper-realistic violent crap kids play today, it really worries me, because how are they going to get indoctrinated into the drug culture playing those video games, and get introduced at a young enough age to become addicts for life? But hey, maybe they’ll just become video game addicts for life, and perhaps that’s just as good anyway. In any case, how should I know? I’m always too stoned!
(P.S.: This is all a joke, so please don’t sue me, Pac-Man overlords!)
