From what I understand, allergies to peanuts are becoming more common and more deadly. But it still seems like practically everything is made with equipment that processes pernicious peanuts. That means that trace amounts of peanuts are still going to be in everything. So I guess they’re just trying to kill all the allergy-sufferers. No, really: because when you look at the packages of this food, even the hippie organic stuff, they all seem to contain minute portions of poison peanuts, but the label that tells you so is on the back in the minutest of fine print.
So we know that peanuts can kill people, but most food is processed on machines that also process peanuts anyway, so practically everything has a tiny percentage of peanuts in it. Now, how do they deal with this issue with another potentially dangerous product: cigarettes? Well, they have just recently approved plans to have all these gross, stomach-churning pictures put on the cigarette packs that are roughly half the size of the pack. But even before then, cigarette packs have had strong warnings on easy-to-read warning labels for years and years earlier. And cigarettes can’t even kill anyone instantaneously like peanuts can! But still, the warnings about peanuts are difficult to find, and you need a magnifying glass to be able to read them most of the time! And what it says is so innocent-sounding, like: “This product is processed on machinery that also processes peanuts, cashews, or fish.”, even though they’re actually thinking: “Mwa Ha Ha! You’re all going to die if we can trick you into eating this!”
So look, we’ve got to make these attempted murderers get serious about their warning labels, or else make them eat stuff they’re allergic to! So here’s what I propose: we should pressure the government to pass new laws about the warning labels about peanuts, or else say that they obviously want to kill children if they try to say they don’t want to do it. And the warning labels about peanuts should read, in large block letters on at least 50% of the front of the packaging: “WARNING: HEY! WE’RE SECRETLY TRYING TO MURDER YOU WITH PEANUTS!” Then perhaps kids with severe peanut allergies will have fair warning about stuff that is dangerous for them to eat.
Oh, and if the government caves on our demand just because of the threat that we’d say they were trying to kill children, then we can use that to force them to do whatever else we want after that! And that would be awesome!
