My sister and her daughter play with American Girl dolls a lot. They’re apparently very popular, with all kinds of accessories and clothes available (but they’re very expensive!), and even lots of unofficial stuff (like clothes, jewelry, etc.) available for the dolls on Etsy. It seems like everything imaginable is available as an accessory for the dolls, even things like guitars, skateboards, cell-phones, etc., and they all cost almost as much as the real thing would for an actual person! So I was trying to think of things that weren’t available for the dolls, but that might be desirable (so I could make a fast buck), and I think I have hit upon something: Psychiatry!
Hey, especially in New York and Los Angeles, every girl is going to want a psychiatrist for their American Girl doll! After all, they’re going to want them to be well-adjusted, right? And what if something’s wrong with the doll and it has a psychotic break and becomes like Chucky from the Child’s Play movies? Then it might kill everyone! Well, we can’t let that happen, now can we? Not if you love your family! That’s why I’ve developed the world’s first American Girl Psychiatrist doll! That’s right: I said: “doll”.
Yes, it’s the American Girl Psychiatrist doll! Is your American Girl doll acting strange? Is she not as friendly as she used to be? Is she giving you the silent treatment? Are all of your pharmaceuticals disappearing without you knowing where they went? That’s a danger sign that your American Girl doll has become unbalanced and is experimenting with drugs or needs counseling! So that’s why you need the American Girl Psychiatrist! (Plus, this is a great excuse for if your parents catch you stealing their pills: just say your doll did it!)
So here’s how it works: You call up the American Girl Psychiatrist Secretary doll, and make an appointment. Then you get your mom to drive your American Girl doll to the psychiatric doll hospital, and there she will have her first official American Girl psychiatric consultation. Then after that, you’ll bring in your doll for follow-ups on a bi-weekly basis, where your doll will sit for 45 minutes in a special office with the American Girl Psychiatrist doll. Don’t worry if the psychiatrist doll doesn’t seem all that talkative: after all, it’s designed to be just like most real psychiatrists, with a small notebook and pen, but without the annoying meddling of actual human doctors! We’re experts here, and we realize that human doctors can never understand the problems of a doll, so we just let her sit in a room with another doll in a white lab coat, and pretty soon, with therapy, and her very own American Girl brand antidepressants (sold separately), she’ll be right as rain!
Oh, but don’t forget to continue with her therapy sessions and her medication, or else she might threaten your lives again! But don’t worry, it’s only 75% of what all this stuff would cost for a real person, so you know you can afford it! (Unless you don’t really love your dollie…)
