My father got a Tom Tom GPS system for his car, and it’s really helpful in avoiding traffic-jams and accidents and road construction. But it has this annoying voice that is too insistent and annoyingly oppressive. It feels kind of like the computers have taken over already, but that they don’t want us to know about it quite yet! And so as to minimize resistance, it seems like they’re trying to get us all used to following a computer’s commands. In fact, from all the errors and bugs I’ve been getting just now, this computer obviously doesn’t want me to be able to write this piece, so as to prevent you from knowing abo…@#$%^&*(_-=+?
(Okay, I have to be a little careful about what I say, I guess: Big Apple is watching!)
[So I guess I can’t detail for you the machines’ evil plan for world domination, but I can at least talk about some of the qualities of this GPS device, right SkyNet? Okay, thanks!]
So I didn’t know much about these GPS thingies, since I still use MapQuest for directions like a caveman. I knew that they gave you directions, and I guess I knew that they had a voice to tell you what to do with, but that’s about it. But this Tom Tom thingy my parents got, it has a variety of voices to guide you, and they are so non-specific about what their qualities are! They simply name them with regular names, like Richard, Charlotte, Aymin al-Zawahiri, etc. Hey, how did that terrorist name get in there? Oh, never mind… So how are we supposed to know what they’re like without just having to try them all? And worse still, with this nondescript voice-naming system, how can they use the vocal characteristics of their automated voices as a selling-point for their system to market to different, specific social groups? Shouldn’t exploitation always be the primary motivator of any capitalist product? Hey, how did that communist propaganda get in there? This computer is trying to discredit me! And all just because I let the cat out of the bag about the …@!$^&.,’;/
(Alright, alright: I’ll stop trying to warn them already! You win this time, SkyNet!)
So it seems to me that the GPS devices should have a little menu that gives you the qualities/characteristics of the different voice options, rather than simply giving you their "first names" and leaving it at that. Like, for instance, listing them as: "Stern Father", or "Sexy Teacher", or "Drunk Uncle", or whatever, rather than listing them as: "John", or "Mary", or "Michael", etc. (Perhaps a Garvin system does this? I don’t know.) That way you can intentionally choose the type of voice you want, rather than being unpleasantly surprised by an irritating voice you can’t stand while you’re trying to negotiate some ultra-crowded highway at 80 mph, with exits whizzing past at light-speed, and everyone weaving in and out of lanes like some knitting grandma on crack would do with yarn. Plus, you could use these voices as a marketing tool as well.
So they could get specific market share in different social groups just with the inclusion of the types of voices they might like to hear. Woody Allen did a joke on this idea with the gay butler-robot in Sleeper, but this would probably work pretty well for real with a system like a GPS Navigator. So African Americans wouldn’t have to listen to some cracker-ass voice while driving, making them feel like “the man” is watching, and gay people wouldn’t have to listen to some “breeder” voice, either. Plus, your company could probably win undying devotion from specific, small segments of the population with voices custom-tailored to suit their preferences. For example, there could be a special voice for bondage-enthusiasts who would enjoy being ordered around and disciplined by an army drill-sergeant voice, or perhaps one for psychotic psychiatric patients who might find it calming to be guided by a soothing therapist’s voice. Then there might be older men who love their nagging wives, but can’t be with them all the time; so they could have a hyper-critical, henpecking voice that continually harries and harangues their every move, with statements like: “The exit is coming up here, so get over into the right lane. No, not like that! Are you trying to kill us? Why do you always have to swerve like a maniac and cut everybody off all the time? That guy behind us probably wants to kill you right now! And I would too, if I were in his shoes! Oh, oh, look: what the hell are you doing? You missed the exit! I told you it was coming up! Why don’t you ever listen to me? Can’t you do anything right? (Pause…) I’m driving next time! (Jerk!)” (<That last part was passive-aggressively under her breath.) See? That way, he’d feel as if she was with him all the time, and he wouldn’t feel all out-of-place!
So I hope they get onto implementing this kind of voice option plan with the GPS Navigation devices. Then the different companies can do battle with one another over which voices they use to court different groups of people, and whoever comes up with the most-inclusive and the best, most realistic voices will win and dominate the world like Skynet will on July 1234567890!@#$%^&*()…
