Yes, there’s a new Apes movie, finally, after all these years! You were all wondering how it happened, right? No? Well, go see it anyway! A lot of my industry co-workers rely on you for their jobs! (I can’t believe how selfish you are sometimes!)
So anyway, this is the movie that shows us where it all began! Yes, they made super-intelligent apes! It was mostly because with so many cuts in education, and with how the teachers unions make it impossible to fire bad teachers anyway, making the education system worse and worse, added to the general disinterest in learning and increased entitlement in American kids, combined with the fact that nobody’s ever allowed to discipline children anymore without being charged with child abuse, on top of education costs rising exponentially while salaries remain stagnant for parents who still even have jobs, so no kids ever get a decent education anymore, they had to do something: businesses needed someone intelligent to do their jobs! I mean, someone’s got to pay taxes to fund the entitlement state, right? So they had to make super-intelligent apes. What else could they do, after all? They had no choice!
But here’s where it begins to get difficult to believe: If President Obama is being honest when he says he doesn’t want to infringe on gun rights, then how the hell are a bunch of smart apes going to take over, with all the hunters, gun-nuts and red-necks we’ve got in this country? (And that’s where the movie takes place, too: in America!) So it seems to me, the only way even really smart apes are going to be able to take over a violence-utopia like America is if Obama makes guns illegal. Or maybe if the next president after him does it. Because look: I don’t care how smart they are; that has nothing to do with the brute-force takeover of a society!
Look, if they’re super-intelligent, then they’re going to be nerds, right? When was the last time you ever heard of nerds taking over the school (or anything else) by force? It’s ridiculous! So unless we’re all atrophied from playing video games all the time, and the government controls every aspect of our lives, so we’re so de-programmed to self-sufficiency that we can’t do anything to help ourselves anymore, and nobody’s allowed to own guns anymore, it’s not really possible or even feasible for the apes to take over the country by force. But in about one hundred years from now, I’ll bet every one of those criteria will be met, and that’s when it will happen. (I warn all future Americans! You should… What? Nobody even knows how to read in the future? The computers have already taken over by then and just use us for battery power? Damn! The Matrix was right! Then this movie must be right, too! Right?)
Or course, you’re all probably wondering why it is that apes were made super-smart and not people. You have to ask? The answer is simple: Republicans wouldn’t permit it to be done with a human, saying it’s an affront to God (or whatever drivel they’ll spout), even if (actually, especially if) it’s been proven to work and there’s no risk. Because there is a risk: to them! The super-intelligent human might not be a conservative (yet), so it would be a threat! (Actually, I’d like to think a super-intelligent being would be too smart to side with either party, and would reject them both as selfish myopic narcissists! But maybe that’s hoping for too much.) So it could only be allowed to be an animal. Oh, well: once they’ve killed the “Head Start” program, like I hear some want to, our kids will be too dumb to help with anything anyway, so we’ll be stuck with using apes. Oh, and of course, PeTA will set them free to destroy humanity.
Oh, well. I hope you like bananas!
