Okay, so Casey Anthony got away with it. Um, I mean, she’s not guilty. That’s what I meant to say. So obviously she didn’t do it and aliens abducted her toddler and then left evidence all over the place to incriminate her so they could learn about how justice systems work on Earth before they try to conquer us. You know, just in case they fail and are brought up on charges. (They’ve seen War of the Worlds and Earth Vs. The Flying Saucers, apparently, so they know they might get their little gray butts kicked!)
But little do they know, they could be charged as terrorists and renditioned, held without charge indefinitely, and perhaps even tortured or surgically dissected (!). After all, what do you think happened to those little green men at Area 51? Oh, wait: but that was before The “Patriot” Act, so we wouldn’t have been allowed to do that yet. Hmm. Well, no wonder they’ve infiltrated our society and are secretly running things through a proxy interstellar conspiracy of extra-terrestrials wearing politician suits! Without The Patriot Act to defend us, we were bound to be vulnerable to an alien takeover! Quick: find those glasses from that John Carpenter movie: They Live: that’s the only way you can tell who they are! (Actually, if they’re politicians, I think it’s safe to assume they mean us harm at this point, so maybe we don’t really need the glasses after all.) And that movie obviously isn’t fiction at all: it’s a documentary!
So what was I talking about? Um… Oh yes: Casey Anthony! Right, so people on TV (aren’t they the only ones who matter, after all?) are trying to figure out what Casey Anthony’s next step will be, and since they were right about everything up to now, we should totally listen to them! (Actually, wait; um... Oh, never mind.) Some have predicted Playboy photo “spreads” (Their words, not mine!), TV movies, and lucrative book deals. But I don’t really want to know “her story”, since we’ve all been drowning in it all along. Even if she did a book like O.J. Simpson’s proposed tome: If I Did It, it might seem like old hat even before it hit the shelves.
That’s why I propose the following: Casey Anthony should write a book filled to the brim with all the bizarre, ridiculous, fevered lies she can come up with about every aspect of her life, just to keep us guessing. And when people keep us guessing, we’re always going to be interested, right? So she could call this book: Casey Anthony: All the Lies You Can Take: An “All You Can Eat” Buffet of Untruths from the Master of the Spurious Story. Or perhaps it simply could be cagily called: Casey Anthony: My Life…? (And they could have a picture of her smiling and shrugging coyly on the front cover.) Then, if that sells well, she can write another book, helping aspiring young liars everywhere in the art of deceitful fabrication; that could be called: Story Spinning: A How-To Guide for the Factually Challenged. Then perhaps her lawyer could write a book called: They Did It!: The Finger-Pointer’s Guide to Blaming Things on Everybody Else. Think of all the money they could make!
