I guess I missed a few days of writing here on the blog. I’m sorry about that, it just couldn’t be helped. It’s kind of a long story. As it turns out, I got Raptured by mistake.* Remember how May 21st was the end of the world? Well, it was, but only for those chosen by God to be Raptured; the rest of us get stuck here on Earth for all the pandemonium that’s coming up. Anyway, so I was Raptured with the faithful through some kind of clerical error (You know, kind of like when somebody has the same name as a terrorist guy on the ‘no fly list’, and they get tied up being interrogated at the airport and miss their flight.), and because while it may technically be heaven, it’s still a bureaucratic nightmare of red tape hell when they’re trying to process everyone; as it turns out, that’s what purgatory is. In any case, that’s what happened to me. But when they found out about the mix-up, they sent me back here to suffer through the apocalypse with all of you. Anyway, so I’m back! And I’ll try to keep you entertained while we get flayed by demons and stuff or whatever ends up happening.
What’s that? It’s still only Saturday, the 21st? The spirits did it all in one night! (Sorry, I always wanted to steal something from A Christmas Carol.) I guess it only felt like an eternity in bureaucratic purgatory. So for the un-Rapturable, it’s kind of like the DMV after you die: it’s definitely a drag, but it’s hardly the end of the world. (<That’s not for another 19 months!)
* I’m not sure exactly what happened, but from what I understand from the bits and pieces I heard from angels trying to make their excuses to exasperated archangels over the mix-up, there was some other guy named Greg Medernach who was supposed to be raised up in the Rapture due to his ultra-pious life, but at the last minute, he realized he was about to die without ever having experienced any fleshly pleasures, and he kind-of flipped out a little bit. So when they came to get him, he was busy engaging in unspeakable acts of debauchery, and they figured they must have the wrong guy or something. So apparently, they knew I lived a relatively short distance away, and when they found me sitting and composing an essay on my computer on a Saturday evening while everyone else was fornicating and ingesting alcoholic beverages, they figured I must be the right guy, so they Raptured me up by mistake. Oh well, what’re you gonna do?
