Remember Paul the Octopus? Of course you do! He’s the guy who ruined Germany’s chances of winning the 2010 World Cup when he intentionally destroyed their morale by picking Spain over Germany to win their semi-final match. Some people say he was psychic, while other people say it was pure dumb luck. But I know the truth, and I’ll share it with you, because I like you. Just don’t tell anyone else, okay? (It’s a secret!)
Okay, everyone knows invertebrates are psychic, right? But they don’t usually like to share their predictions with us humans. I’m not sure if it’s because they see us as an arrogant species, or because they think we’re pathetic losers for not being psychic ourselves, and as such not worthy of such divinations. So I’m sure we all agree that Paul the Octopus wasn’t special because he could see the future, but simply because he was willing to share it with us for a change.
So having now established the factuality of psionic capabilities in cephalopods, which clearly explains Paul’s proclivity for perspicacious prognostications and such, I can move on to the issue of why Paul would be willing to share it with humans. You see, since he lived in Germany, he was used to predict the outcomes of Germany’s games, which he did. And he correctly predicted their victories in seven games before predicting their defeat to Spain (also accurately). People wonder about this, but isn’t it perfectly clear? He wanted to get Germany’s confidence built up so that he could dash it at the last minute! Sure, he knew the outcomes of the games, but he was also the cause! That’s what people fail to recognize: cephalopods don’t just predict the future, they make it happen!
So, why would Paul want to build Germany up just to tear them down again? Well, isn’t it obvious? If you simply read about him on Wikipedia, it becomes clear: Paul was hatched in (get ready for it…) England! So obviously, since he was hatched in England, he would want to get revenge for the Second World War; not because he cared about it, but out of a sense of appreciation for the Brits bringing him into the world and then not keeping him there to eat their unpalatable food in the frigid fog all the time! Plus, since he was an Octopus vulgaris, naturally he would choose a country like Spain, who had their basketball teams make that vulgarly offensive “slanty-eye” thingy with their fingers in a promo photo for the 2008 Olympic Games in Beijing*, over a cultured country like Germany, who would never do such a thing (any more).
So I hope we’re all clear on the preferences and prejudices of Paul the Octopus which led to his forcing Germany to lose the 2010 World Cup. Now that we know why he did it, perhaps we can figure out how to train (obsequiously, I suppose) the next generation of military octopi for use in ruling the world through winning limitless money on sporting events, and thus buying our way back to the top of the heap! If we can get them to like us enough, there’s no end to what we could accomplish!
* Here’s the picture of the Spanish basketball teams:
Ooh! And here’s the picture of Spain’s 2008 Olympic tennis team:
Want to read more about Paul the Octopus? Here’s a link:
