I’ve grown up seeing all these ridiculous “Hair Club for Men” ads on television practically every day, with their dubious products and arguments, and hilariously unconvincing “before” and “after” photographs. I’ve always thought they were silly and dumb, equating having hair with fast cars and hot women, but now that I’m beginning to lose some hair of my own, I’m finding them positively annoying! For years I’ve heard that when polled about what type of man is most attractive to them, a vast majority of women say the overweight bald guys are who they’re drawn to the most. Why is this? Well, it was postulated that it’s because they look like good providers. That’s bullcrap! It’s obviously because fat & bald = sexy! Of course we men don’t think so: we’re not supposed to! If we’re attracted to other men, it’s always to the sculpted, muscular, fashionable in-shape-types. Why is this? Well, isn’t it obvious? It’s so the women get the men they’re supposed to have (fat & bald), and the gay men get the men they’re supposed to have (fit & athletic). This is how Mother Nature designed it, and unless you want to lose everything to a typhoon or whatever, I wouldn’t argue with her if I were you.
So, I was thinking; since the bald guys are indisputably the most attractive according to science and nature, aren’t those “Hair Club for Men” ads just laughably misguided and misleading? They’re trying to tell guys to put fake hair on their head to get the ladies, when that’s the opposite of what they need! It seems to me that if men want women, they should want to be bald! So even guys with thick, insistent manes of hair flowing from their heads like Cousin It should obviously have to shave or Nair their heads if they want to get the ladies’ attention or affections. That’s why I’ve conceived of the “Bald Club for Men”. It’s an ad campaign that would run in the same time slots as the cheap, dishonest “Hair Club for Men” ads, and it would tell men the truth about this issue! It would reveal the fact that women are more attracted to bald guys, that baldness comes from an excess of testosterone (which makes you more manly), and that being bald is way more money-saving than having hair anyway! Think of all the money wasted on shampoo, conditioner, hair gel, hair spray, hair cuts, combs, brushes, Rogaine, hair transplants, etc. Plus, you never have to worry about getting lice ever again (which is great if you ever have kids)! And think of how much time you’d save on primping! Want to know why a bald guy is a better provider? It’s because he saves tons of money on hair care products, and he’s got 25% more time for work every day since he doesn’t have to take care of his hair!
So the ad would be something like this: It would show a bunch of fat, bald, tough guys getting out of super-expensive sports cars (that they could afford because of all the money saved from the absence of hair care stuff, etc.) and walking down the street, turning all the hot ladies’ heads and making them do double-takes and trip over things and drop all their stuff, etc. And as the bald guys walk down the street, their lack of hair not blowing in the wind for effect, they would bump into and knock over this collection of fit guys with big, poofy, voluminous and neatly styled, immaculately manicured heads of hair; and as they watched them bounce off of their stomachs and come crashing to the ground, the bald guy who knocked them over would say something in a menacing and mocking tone, like: “No testosterone!” This would finally put the lie to all these follicular fallacies about the necessity of scalp coverage! Bald is back, baby, and better than ever!
