Some kid in some California town saw a tattered American flag flying overhead, and he wrote a letter to the town’s mayor to ask to have it replaced. And it was!* Now, let that be a lesson to you if you want politicians to get things done: be a little kid!
Let’s face it, no politician can resist a kid’s hand-written letter. We all know that, right? They like to frame them, pose with them in photos, use them to raise funds, etc. But if you’re anyone else, asking for anything of a politician serving the public (like, for example, to have a tattered American flag replaced), you can shove it up your ass! How dare you bother them! Right?
So, obviously we’re all going to have to pretend to be elementary school children if we want political change in this country! So, here’s my suggestion: find all that pale green paper with the really big training lines on it for kids to learn how to write letters on (you know, the stuff with the broken line in the middle), and write all your suggestions on that in kid-style writing. Then, you can pay a little kid (paying them with whatever toys or candy they want) to act like they wrote it, and what you ask will probably get done. See how easy it is? (You may have to pay the kid more if they have to do a meet & greet or photo session with the slimebag, but you can figure that out later.)
The only problem with this whole idea is that they will probably find out what is going on at some point. All politicians want to get pictures with appreciative little kids beaming up at them, no matter what they have to do to get it. But once the requests actually begin to make sense and start helping the country, they will know something fishy is up, and they’ll figure out what’s going on. Then, naturally, they will get mad that they fell for it and look stupid, and also that they did something to help the public without getting something back for it in return. Then they will try to get revenge!
So then they will pass some new law to make it criminal to write a letter to a politician, or any government office holder, in a kid’s handwriting, just to make sure they don’t accidentally do things right for the citizens. But this may backfire on them eventually. You see, some day, they’re bound to get a letter from some kid suggesting a great idea, and so they’ll probably assume it’s some guy who wants efficiency or accountability in government, or something unreasonable like that, right? And then they’ll send the riot squad over to bust the fake kid, but then it will end up being an actual real, nerdy kid! Then there will be all this cellphone-camera footage of the cops beating up a little kid, and the outrage will shake the political establishment to the core! And then they’ll be too scared to do that again, and so we can all pretend to be kids in hand-written letters, and we can finally get some positive change in this country!
* Don’t believe me? Here’s an article to support my claim:
