We’re going to have to bring DDT back to deal with the bedbug problem, I’m telling you. I know hippies will speed up global warming with all the flushed faces and steaming anger this suggestion will generate in them, but then they’re just going to turn around and blame it on Republicans anyway, so they may end up thinking of it as a plus when it’s all said and done. But yes, I said it: DDT! We’re going to need it! And lots of it!
Nothing seems to be working to rid us of our uninvited strange bedfellows. They’re spreading like wildfire or selling like hotcakes or whatever it is they’re doing. But it’s definitely bad, whatever it is! Hippies want us to use ladybugs or tofu to get rid of them, or else smoke enough marijuana so we don’t notice them anymore. Maybe if we just wear Patchouli perfume like hippies do it will make the bedbugs run for the hills to escape its foul stench, but it probably only has that effect on normal human beings.
So we really need to use what works, regardless of how much the hippies bitch and moan and whine and browbeat us about it. They must love bedbugs or something, for if we eradicate bedbugs, nobody will ever get to use that classic expression: “If you lie down with hippies, you get up with bedbugs” anymore. And that’s the best thing you can say about hippies! So doesn’t that clearly show you that you should never listen to hippies when they try to tell you how to run your life? Honestly! One generation since the birth of hippies, and our homes are already lit hideously with these toxic pigtail light bulbs and crawling with bedbugs! And even worse than that: our refrigerators are full of soy milk, Vegemite and tofurky! Yuck!
Now, I’m not exactly sure why it is that hippies never want anyone to use effective pesticides like DDT on horrible parasites like bedbugs. Maybe it’s because since they all have bedbugs and are miserable as a result, they feel like everyone else should have to be miserable from bedbugs too. Maybe it’s because of the fact that as disgusting parasites themselves, hippies feel an instinctive kinship with the bedbugs. I’m just not sure. All I know is that whenever anything works to make the world better, the hippies oppose it vocally and try to ban it. They were even against nuclear war, and look at all the great thrash metal songs that came out of that! And what about Dr. Strangelove? If it had been up to hippies, that movie would never have been made! I’m telling you: if it’s good, they hate it!
Look, we know that DDT works to kill bedbugs, but we’re not allowed to use it! What the hell? Just because it kills bald eagles? So what! I don’t sleep with bald eagles (like you do, you freaky pervert!), so how’s it going to hurt them to kill bedbugs with it? And come on, even with the bad stuff DDT does, it does other great stuff too! It appears in at least two of the Ramones’ greatest songs (“Teenage Lobotomy” and “I Wanna Be Well”), so surely that makes up for most of whatever it’s supposed to have done that’s harmful, right? So come on and let us use DDT again, at least to get rid of those yucky bedbugs and hippies! Okay? Oh, sorry; I just meant the bedbugs, of course. We can drive the hippies away with lots of loud death metal music later. Besides, they’re probably already immune to the effects of DDT from all the drugs they’ve done anyway.
